Pretty Boy in A Dark Place
by waternymph13
Summary: When Hanschen finds himself in the reformatory a certain philosopher must teach him lessons so he can return to the boy who got him there in the first place. But when a love strikes Hanschen finds himself trapped by more than just a chain link fence.
1. In a Dark Place

Hey everyone! So since my last few chapters in man hunt got literally no reviews besides my dear gleek who I truly appreciate I decided I would put it one a hiatus and start this little number I have been concocting for a little while. WARNING THIS WILL NOT BE A HERNST AND I HAVE NO INTENTION OF IT BEING ONE. HANSCEN WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE. With that being said please don't yell at me for breaking up our favorite couple. If it's any consolation both will end up happy and where they are meant to be. I promise. I already have the second chapter written but if reviews are still missing as much as they have been I might take a break and work on other stuff. Thank you so much and I hope you enjoy my try at third person point of view. Reviews are love.

"Classic. Look how happy the poor fool is." Hellmuth crouched lower to be level with the sleeping boys face. He smiled ruthlessly and whispered softly in a high voice "who you dreaming about pretty boy?" the restless blonde's smile faded softly but his legs still kicked slightly. Melchior observed the entire scene with mild disgust. The boys crowded around the newest victim's cot jeering dumbly at his obviously pleasure filled dream. Damn fool. Those dreams will fade fast. He will learn that it's not safe to have dreams like that in a place like this.

Reinhold was now stooped next to Hellmuth. He traced a careful finger down the new comer's jaw and Melchie rolled his eyes as the boys cackled at the kid's soft moan. This had gone on long enough.

"Come on Blondie who is making you moan like that? I bet that she would like me better." The boy in the bed started to mumble and for a second Melchior thought he was going to say a name. He didn't want the kid to have to go through that kind of embarrassment. At least not on his first day. Melchior shoved his way through the crowd.

"Look the philosopher wants in on our little game. First one to make his dream… come to a climax… gets the first punch." Melchie shoved Reinhold to the ground.

"Get out of here. Leave the kid alone." Melchie still hadn't caught a glimpse of the new comer but he didn't really care. He did not take a particular interest in the disgusting boys who slipped in and out of the reformatory walls but he couldn't help taking pity on the poor boy. He had once been in his place. Alone on the first day already singled out to be a victim. When he finally did look at the young man in the bed his throat collapsed.

"Oh my god…" Melchior couldn't form a coherent thought. Reinhold was up on his feet in Melchior's face. He smacked his cheek lightly, sneering out at Melchior.

"Yeah he is a pretty one isn't he? Almost girl pretty. Shouldn't be too hard for a nice strapping lad like you to beat him up. Come on Gabor. You can even have the first shot, shouldn't be too hard while he is asleep." Melchie couldn't drag his eyes from him. They got another one. Another one thrown to the ashes. Tossed to the side for some nonexistent sin. He gazed trying to imagine what crime he could have committed to earn himself such a dismal fate.

"Hanschen… what happened to you?" before he had a chance to rouse the boy the sleeping quarter's door slammed open

"Roll call. Fall in immediately." The red faced warden shouted at the top of his lungs. Most of the boys rolled their eyes and trotted to where their beds were. Hanschen was abandoned and mumbled happily groaning at the hands of some fantastic nocturnal phantasm. Melchie whispered a few curses but knew if he tried to wake him up it would just get them both in trouble.

The teacher immediately stalked up to Hanschen's bed. He waited a few moments and listened with a cruel pleasure to his soft moans and half sentences of joy. He let it go on for a few more moments before going down right next to his ear and shouting.

"Get up now. Before I make you clean every tile with your tooth brush." Hanschen yelped and fell out of bed. He was sorely disoriented and didn't seem to comprehend where he was. After a painful minute of looking around dumbly realization washed over him. He looked as if he might cry for a moment and Melchior held his breath. Thankfully he hardened and got that well remembered hardened expressionless slightly droll gaze. The teacher grabbed him by the shoulder pulling him to his feet. The blanket that had fallen with him slipped to his ankles and conspicuous busts of snickers broke out amongst the boys. Melchior winced painfully. The thin cloth pajama shorts were not very forgiving after a dream of Hanschen's nature.

An almost imperceptible blush crept onto Hanschen's still hardened face. The teacher glanced down and grimaced in disgust with the mildest hint of amusement.

"You are disgusting. You piece of filth. Are you proud of yourself? Are you proud of those disgustingly filthy sinner dreams that you will burn in hell for?" Hanschen didn't flinch but his face grew redder. "What was their name?" Melchior's brow furrowed. This was new. The damnation lecture was ingrained into most of the boys' heads but he had never asked for names before. Hanschen for the first time looked at the floor. He whispered something inaudible to everyone including the teacher. A sharp smack made everyone jump.

"I can't hear you boy. Speak up." Hanschen carefully brought a hand to his now bright red cheek. He hardened his face even more and glared into the warden's eyes.

"I can't remember since I was so rudely wakened." Everyone held their breath. You don't talk to the warden. The silence in the room dragged out a universal fear in all of the boys as they watched the warden lean in and whisper something in Hanschen's ear. All the blood drained from Hanschen's face and he looked as if he might be sick. The warden's smile edged on the border of sinister.

"Now let's try this again. Who was the dream about?" Hanschen's jaw visibly clenched.

"I . Don't . Remember ." The warden's hand swung back and landed a crushing blow sending Hanschen toppling to the floor. He landed face down at Melchior's feet. In a harsh whisper Melchie did his best to help him.

"Don't cry. What ever you do Hanschen don't cry. They will eat you alive if you do." With out a word Hanschen wiped at his face but instead of tears a bit of blood came back on his hands. He glanced up at Melchior recognition dawning on his face. He wiped again at his lightly bleeding nose and got back to his feet with out a word.

Melchior was silently impressed. Generally the boys cried the first time they were hit. And for Hanschen who had rarely even felt the teachers switch it was an even greater accomplishment. Melchior was broken from his revere with the warden spitting at Hanschen's feet.

"You are dirt. You are cleaning the whole dormitory while the other's eat breakfast." Hanschen simply nodded and turned his back setting to work by making his bed. The warden shoved him forward sending him face down into the bed. Hanschen brushed himself off and got back to work. The warden humphed and turned finishing roll call then leading the boys single file out to the cafeteria. Melchior hung behind hoping nobody would notice. They didn't. Food was always a good distraction and a good chance to slip away. Hanschen still had his back to Melchior and he fixed his bed with almost machine like precision. Timidly Melchior placed a hand on Hanschen's shoulder. The boy's entire body tensed and he froze his hands hovering with a sheet. As gently as he could Melchior turned Hanschen to face him. There were hot tear streaks trailing down Hanschen's cheeks and the small trickle of blood mixed with his tears at his chin and dripped off onto his white sheets.

He glared down at the floor in shame. Melchior walked away quickly returning with a scrap of old uniform he had ripped off a boy in a fight a few days ago. He handed it to Hanschen who stared at it dumbly. Melchior sighed and took it back quickly but gently wiping Hanschen's face clean. He wanted to sit him down but he knew that if all the beds were not made they would both be in for a thrashing. Hanschen had not moved the entire time but had nearly bored a hole in the floor with his gaze. Melchior couldn't think of a single thing to say. There was nothing to say that would make the situation better.

Instead of filling the room with awkward words of comfort Melchior set quickly to work helping him with the beds. His eyes flickered up curiously and he watched with mild interest as Melchior got through two beds. He finally turned his back finished his own bed and got to work on the ten other beds still in a jumbled wallow of sheets and pillow cases.

After fifteen minutes of silent work with only the sound of sheets and blankets being tugged to add eloquence to the nonexistent conversation between the two, they finished ever bed. With a quiet sigh Melchior sat gingerly on his won bed and patted the seat next to him. Hanschen glared silently with distaste at the invitation. Melchior almost laughed. He was still the same old Hanschen. Stubborn as hell. Very gently Melchior stood up took the boy by the shoulders and sat him down.

"We are talking. I did not just make half the reformatory beds to get the cold shoulder from you." Hanschen looked away and did his best not to make eye contact. Melchior waited patiently for Hanschen to speak and it paid off.

"I don't want to talk to you." Melchior laughed. Hanschen's voice had been a very unconvincing whisper. "I don't need a friend. I don't plan on being here very long." Melchior's smile faded quickly. He sternly made Hanschen look at him and in as firm a voice as he could manage he tried to instill some knowledge in his stubborn thick skulled head.

"First of all you need as many friends as you can get here. I wish I had someone I knew when I first came here. Second of all you can believe what ever you want and scheme all you want to get out but it won't happen… I know it won't. I was out a total of five days before they caught me sobbing in that cemetery and shipped me back." For the first time Hanschen met his eyes. With a very quiet determination Hanschen whispered back.

"I will get out. And I will stay out. I won't make the same mistakes you made." Melchie bit back a sharp reply knowing if anything Hanschen was in denial. Very gently he smiled back.

"Alright Hanschen. Ok. Just for now though, you need a friend. Someone to show you the ropes and make sure you don't get murdered. I know my way around this place. I can help you."

"I don't want your help. I don't need your help Gabor." Hanschen shook his head and a small drop of blood fell onto his hand. He glazed at it and sighed. "Fine. But… this does not mean we are friends." Melchior smiled knowing that that was the best he was going to get for now. He decided to change the subject.

"So what did you do to get in here?" Hanschen's face grew red then it quickly faded. He glanced across the room his eyes seeing something that wasn't there.

"I killed someone." He said it matter of factly making Melchior wonder if he was being honest.

"Who?"

"What?" Hanschen glanced confused at Melchior and Melchior's suspicions were confirmed.

"Who did you kill?" he inquired laughingly. Hanschen looked away again.

"You don't know him." Again Melchior laughed. Hanschen might be a soulless automaton but he was not a killer. He didn't have it in him.

"Sure I don't know him. Just like I don't know the real reason as to why you ended up in this hell hole." Hanschen glanced at Melchior biting his lip tentatively weighing the choices at hand. Gabor was sadly not very stupid or easily fooled.

"I got caught doing something with someone that I shouldn't have been doing." Melchior frowned. He couldn't have been vaguer had he tried. Very gently Melchior tried to dig a little deeper.

"And is he here too?" Hanschen silently shook his head and gripped the edge of the bed tighter. "Alright and why is that?" Hanschen's voice caught in his throat.

"Because I told them it was my fault. It was my fault." This took Melchior by surprise. Hanschen Rilow sacrificing himself for another? It almost sounded noble.

"And where is he now?" tears welled in Hanschen's eyes but he quickly banished them by digging his teeth harder into his lip.

"I … I don't know." Melchior could tell it was a sensitive subject and shied away from pressing about the boy but Hanschen began talking with out encouragement. Despite his talking Melchior could tell it was not directed at him. Hanschen's blue eyes once again flickered outwards searching frantically for something that would not show itself. "he … has to be so scared…. And sad. I was so stupid. I couldn't listen to him for two damn seconds. He knew they were coming. And now… I am not there and I don't know where the hell he is or what they did to him… and… and I will probably never see him again."

Melchior froze. His ranting sounded so similar to what he wrote in his diary on his first day. He had felt terrible about Wendla. Had he listened to her when she had tried to discourage him... he hadn't known what had happened to her either. If Melchior hadn't known better he would say Hanschen was actually feeling guilt… and love. Melchior was about to press further when the boys filed back into the room loud and rambunctious having had their energy restored by the slop in the cafeteria. As quickly and as gently as he could he shoved Hanschen off his bed. For a moment Hanschen was surprised and glared up at him. But slowly he realized the cause for the rude behavior. They couldn't be seen together. If the others saw they were friends the teasing would never end and it would make both of them targets for today's beatings. Hanschen was already a blazing red flag.

As quickly as he could Hanschen scrambled to his bed and stood at attention mimicking the other boys' actions. He held his chin up as the warden inspected every bed for the smallest of flaws. He couldn't find any. Quietly Hanschen smiled and Melchior couldn't help celebrate silently with Hanschen's pride. Hanschen was sensitive but he hid it well enough. Hopefully he would be able to survive in a place that could rip the joy out of any child and hold a magnifying glass to their worst memories. And from the way Hanschen spoke before he had a lot of bad memories to be magnified.


	2. Playing Dead

hey all! thanks for the reviews i hope they keep coming and more would be even more amazing. i am always open to criticism so if you have any please go right ahead. i am going to do my very best to update weekly maybe more if people really like the story. thanks so much!

The sun was just cresting over the top of the trees in the distance as the warden shoved all the boys out into the fenced in courtyard.

"Exercise. One hour. Then you have classes." He turned curtly and went back inside locking the door behind him. The instant the door clicked shut the boys burst into loud hooting and hollering. Hanschen tried hiding himself in a far corner of the compound. He twisted his fingers into the chain linked fence and gazed up as if he was contemplating climbing over and running away. Carefully Melchior sauntered up never once looking at Hanschen. He leaned casually against the fence with his hands in his pockets a few feet from Hanschen. Quietly still facing outwards Melchior talked as if addressing no one.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you. And don't look at me when you talk. Keep looking where ever you are but don't look at anyone." Hanschen glanced with a sharp glare at Melchior.

"I will look at who ever I please. And you are not me. You don't know what I am doing." Melchior sighed still holding onto the charade that they were not conversing. He locked his eyes onto a group of boys circled tightly at the other end of the courtyard.

"You are planning some stupid grand escape. Don't. And you hiding in the corner is making you a target. See those boys over there?" Melchior flicked his chin in the direction of the circle. "Don't look at them directly. But they are already planning on using you as a punching bag in about ten minutes." Hanschen rolled his eyes.

"Always with the melodrama Gabor. I have not done a single thing to them." Melchior burst out laughing. Hanschen frowned softly. That was not Melchior's laugh. At least not the Melchior he remembered. It was much colder and so much less curious. Its harshness made Hanschen wonder if he might be right. Impossible. Gabor was never right. "Besides… how could you possibly know they were going to beat me up? They have not even looked at me."

"Exactly." Melchior bobbed his head completely confident "they have not looked at you once. They know your position. They know you are new and afraid. Isn't it odd that they have not looked at you?" Hanschen's frowned deepened and he started feeling slightly anxious despite his confidence that Melchior was just using his old flare for drama.

"Well slightly… but why would they even be interested in me?" Melchior rolled his eyes again. This was going to be a long learning process.

"Hmm lets see; you are new, on the smaller side, after your little display this morning they have plenty to tease you about, you have the biggest attitude, you come from a wealthy family, the warden has singled you out for some reason, you are not particularly strong, and you are probably the prettiest one here." Hanschen whipped his head up but he was not angry, he was blushing brightly. "Damn it I said not to look at me!" Hanschen dropped his gaze and clenched his jaw. He mumbled shyly almost at his shoes.

"Shut up… you don't know what you are talking about…" Melchior groaned.

"Well I know a lot more about this place than you do so you are just going to have to trust me" Hanschen glared at the ground and refused to reply.

_Trust him? Trust him? He can't be serious. I don't trust anymore. The only thing I could ever trust failed me. The system. I had worked for it my whole life and look where it got me. I didn't rock the boat. I didn't work too hard. I bided my time like I was supposed to. God I don't know where I went wrong. Sure I indulged in certain… pleasures. But don't we all? Damn that pastor who got me sent here. Damn those urges and my stupid lack of self control and damn ern…_

Sharp tears bubbled to Hanschen's eyes and he quickly blinked them back. It was not Ernst's fault and he knew it. Ernst had tried to save him. ..

"Hanschen!" Melchior had finally given up on not looking at Hanschen while he spoke. He was waving his hand in front of him trying to pull him from his catatonic thinking spree. "We have to get out of here… they are coming." Hanschen glanced half heartedly at the circle of boys.

"You are an idiot. They have not moved an inch." Hanschen went back to staring out beyond the wire to the barren land surrounding the reformatory and then farther on into the sanctuary the tall pines offered. If only he could make it to those trees he knew he could get out and away from this whole situation and go back to playing the system that had cheated him.

"Hanschen, they are going to be here in approximately two minutes. You need to stop moping in the corner like a stupid child and get to somewhere more protected." Melchior tried to be as firm as he could with out directly ordering him. He found the more you tried to push Hanschen one way he would push even harder to do the opposite. He also didn't want to mention that even if they came over he would do his best to protect Hanschen. He definitely didn't want to mention that.

Melchior rolled his eyes as Hanschen scoffed loudly.

"I don't need you telling me what to do. I can take care of myself. Obviously a lot better than you Gabor considering you got caught!" He spit on the ground rolled up his sleeves and started walking towards the circle of boys. Melchior groaned louder and started walking after Hanschen trying to inconspicuously stop him before he did something stupid.

A few of the boys turned as Hanschen drew nearer. Once again Hanschen spit on the ground narrowly missing Reinhold's shoe. Just before he reached them Melchie grabbed his shoulder. In a harsh whisper Melchior got right in Hanschen's face.

"Please tell me you are not trying to act tough. You are not tough you are stupid. You are a stupid naïve little boy who has no idea what those kids can do to you. You are going to get yourself killed if you pick a fight with them." He wanted to shake Hanschen. Shake some sense into his stupid blonde head.

"I am tough. I can take them with my eyes closed and you are the naïve one if you think you are going to be my big protector here. We may have shared some arbitrary meaningless childhood memories but that doesn't mean you have the right to try and be my friend or tell me what to do. We hated each other before and just because we are stuck here that doesn't change that fact! Now get your hand of my shoulder before I tear it off!" Hanschen was causing a scene and the other boys snickered quietly. Melchior removed his hand and took a step back. He gritted his teeth and did his best to whisper despite his flaring anger.

"Fine. Get yourself killed. See where it gets you." He paused for dramatic effect and gazed meaningfully at Hanschen. He prayed silently that this bluff would work. He lowered his voice so only Hanschen could hear. "But you sacrificed yourself for your friend and if he knew you were getting yourself killed wouldn't it be … a waste?"

The swing came out of nowhere. Hanschen had clipped the top of Melchior's head and went in flailing for another blow. Melchior couldn't help but laugh at Hanschen's poor form. He had obviously never fought a day in his life. Melchior held him at bay by placing a strong hand on his head and holding him at arm's length. Hanschen swung and struggled blindly. This was not helping his reputation at all as the boys watched laughing themselves into tears but at least it kept him from getting really pummeled. The others wouldn't hold back.

"I swear to god I will kill you! You don't talk about him! You don't even know what you are saying! Never talk about him! He is dead to me! You ever even say even the slightest thing like what you just said and you will be able to count every one of your teeth in your hand!" Hanschen struggled harder nearly catching Melchior in the stomach. Melchior listened with a quiet reserve and as gently as he could shoved Hanschen to the ground. He had to look like he was trying a little. Hanschen gaped for a moment at him from the ground a fire in his eyes Melchior had never seen before.

In a bark of wild rage Hanschen jumped at Melchie and pounced him to the ground. The boys were now circled around the squabble and cheered Melchior on.

"Lucky shot pretty boy! It won't happen again! Thrash him Gabor!" Reinhold elbowed Hellmuth and they started taking bets. The odds were not in favor for Hanschen. Melchior was quickly losing his patience and he pinned Hanschen to the ground putting him into a submissive pose, his face digging into the dirt. Melchior got close to Hanschen's ear and growled low enough for just Hanschen to hear.

"You better calm yourself down because if you keep trying to fight me I might just have to fight back soon. What ever I did to upset you we can talk about later but right now I am not the enemy. You are just lucky I got you out of a fight with them." Hanschen thrashed and kicked but couldn't get out of the pin.

After another ten minutes of hopeless struggling Hanschen finally went limp, exhausted from fighting against Melchior's iron grip. Melchior waited another moment or two to make sure he was really done before standing up and brushing himself off. Hellmuth pushed through the crowd.

"Come on Philosopher finish him!" Hellmuth tossed a kick at Hanschen who was still on the ground breathing heavily. "You can't start the show and cut off before the best part. If you won't do it I will." Hellmuth kicked Hanschen again a little harder causing him to flip onto his back. Melchior was caught. He couldn't hit Hanschen anymore but he couldn't watch has Hellmuth beat the kid but he also couldn't fight Hellmuth unless he wanted endless taunting. Hanschen held his ribs heaving on his back his eyes shut tightly in pain. Melchie gritted his teeth.

_Maybe… maybe it will be good if he gets roughed up a little. Maybe it will teach him that these kids mean business. They are not going to take it easy on him. They didn't take it easy on me. It … will teach him a lesson… considering he only knows how to learn the hard way._

Hellmuth waited about ten seconds before he kicked Hanschen for a third time flipping him onto his stomach and knocking the wind out of him. He gasped his eyes bulging and Melchior had to turn away from the cruel sight. Reinhold noticed the turn and stalked up to Melchior.

"Hey everybody the Philosopher has gone soft! Doesn't want to watch his little friend get beaten up. Well let me help you." He wheeled Melchior roughly back around twisting his arm behind his back so he couldn't get away. He watched painfully as Hellmuth dragged Hanschen to his feet by his shirt collar.

"Come on pretty boy! Show me some of those amazing fighting moves." Hanschen tried to wiggle free but it was completely in vain. It was torture to watch. Like a crocodile terrorizing a faun before it actually killed it. Melchior closed his eyes blocking out the sight but not the sound of Hellmuth going at Hanschen.

A few gasps and yelps and shouts and then silence.

Melchior shot his eyes open and Hanschen was crumpled on the ground with Hellmuth standing smugly over him. Melchior ripped his arm from Reinhold's grasp and was about to break Hellmuth's nose for the 8th time when a piercing whistle ripped through the crowd. Everyone spun on their feet and ran to the door knowing if they were late for class there would be severe consequences.

Melchior and Hellmuth had a momentary staring match and an unspoken line was drawn between the two. Finally Hellmuth ran inside. Melchior crouched down to Hanschen's side. He looked like hell. His lip was split and even unconscious his hand gripped his side painfully. Melchior was on the verge of tears. He could have stopped this.

"Hanschen… I am so sorry…" Melchior reached out to gently touch his cheek but suddenly Hanschen smiled. His face broke into a wild grin and he came to life. He picked himself up brushed off his dusty clothes. Melchior gaped stunned and confused. "What the hell Hanschen?" Hanschen just smiled triumphantly.

"I have some tricks up my sleeve Gabor. One being playing dead. I can handle myself." As he said this he took a deep breath and yelped falling to one knee in pain. Melchior bit back his anger at Hanschen for nearly scaring him to death and helped him to his feet.

" yeah… you can take care of yourself… that's why you probably have broken ribs…" he slung Hanschen's arm over his shoulder and pulled him as quickly as he could into the building. " so to the nurse?" he tried to laugh but it came out as a choking sound. It is hard to be light hearted when half dragging a kid you grew up with into just a deeper level of hell.

"No. they said we have class. I am not going to look like a wimp in front of them." Gently Melchior let Hanschen slip a little and Hanschen yelped and clung tighter to him proving his point.

"You are going to the nurse. You already looked like you got knocked unconscious after about five hits. That makes you about as tough as a five year old girl to them. It won't make much difference whether you go to the nurse or not." Hanschen was about to argue again but Melchior cut him off. "Whether you like it or not I am going to take care of you. Ever since they sent me here I have wished for a second chance… a chance to take care of some one… to save someone… because it was too late for them… and me. I can save you Hanschen. So if you are going to make it difficult I don't care but just know I am going to be looking out for you. Starting off with taking you to the nurse. And keeping you out of fights."

Hanschen was stunned into silence.

_Nobody has ever taken care of me. I don't need it. I don't need him here. Helping me. He was the whole reason I got in the fight anyway. He shouldn't have brought him up… _

Hanschen glanced quietly at Melchior who was looking straight ahead determinedly helping him to the nurse's office.

_Why doesn't he just leave me alone? Why can't he just hate me like everyone else? I deserve it. I got myself into this and I can get myself out. I am Hanschen Rilow and I don't need Melchior Gabor babysitting me. _

Melchior gently pulled Hanschen up a little higher. He paused momentarily and looked around. He glanced almost teasingly at Hanschen.

"Sorry… but you are way too slow." Before he gave Hanschen a chance to question or argue Melchior swept him up into his arms. Melchior didn't look at Hanschen's face but had he looked he would have seen the slightest tinge of an unmistakable blush.

_God damn it what does he think he is doing? He … he… oh god he is strong… stop it stop it stop it. I can walk perfectly fine. Oh god… I bet this is not what they expected when they sent me to this reformatory to kick those "sinful and confused desires" out of me. God my father would die to see a heathenous radical like Gabor carrying me tenderly in his arms. Stop it stop it stop it. Get a grip Hanschen. He is slime. He is scum. All boys are. They are only good for their skin… and kisses… and mmm_

´Hanschen are you ok? You are groaning a lot… your eyes are closed…" Melchior had stopped walking and looked down with concern. "Are you alright? Does it hurt that bad?" Hanschen frowned having been torn from his happy break from reality.

"No… no I am not alright… and it hurts like hell. Everything hurts like hell." If only it was the broken ribs and split lip causing the pain…

and so there it is. in the next chapter one of hanschen's dirty little secrets will be revealed... stay tuned and much love! reveiws are amazing :)


	3. The Good Book

Hi everyone. So I wanted to thank everyone who reviewed they really motivated me to get this chapter out. I know it's a bit slow but its setting up a bunch of things. If it takes me a while to write its because I can't stand short chapters they bug me. And I apologize in advance for any laziness in updating that may happen. So with out any further dawdling here it is…

"Would you please stop wiggling?" Hanschen, like the stubborn fool he was started struggling in Melchior's arms just as he got to the door marked with a red cross. Melchior held him forcibly knowing if he squeezed the squirming kid any harder he would crack a few more ribs. "I swear I will drop you Hanschen!"

This finally got through to him and he calmed in Melchior's arms until Melchior opened the door and he burst back into a struggling spree.

"I can walk! I am fine! Put me down!" Hanschen was unspeakably agile for someone with broken ribs.

"Fine!" Melchior let him fall to the ground where Hanschen screamed and glared up at him. Melchior smiled smugly down at the anger in the boys face. "You asked me to put you down…"

"That is enough of that! Melchior is this your doing?" both boy's heads turned to face the nurse. Hanschen's mouth fell open. The largest woman he had ever seen towered over Melchior. She had biceps thicker than his head and the mole that peppered her cheek seemed to have its own gravitational pull because it had a magnetic quality of drawing one's eyes to it. Her crisp white uniform fell to her ankles as if they didn't make them long enough and her combat boots poked out glaring at Hanschen, angry that he had dared to trespass on the floor which was their territory. The woman looked down at Hanschen with a critical eye then back at Melchior with almost a motherly frown. "Melchior Gabor did you do this one?" Melchior shoved his hands in his pockets and chuckled softly.

"No frau it was not me… this time." She glanced quickly back down with a gentle appraising eye at Hanschen who was still cowering on the floor obviously appalled by the strange woman. She smiled softly and it seemed out of place on her hard features. "Lets see. By the way you are clutching your ribs I assume they are broken and that means you were most likely kicked while you were down. The split upper lip is from a sharp single punch to the face… the only thing that doesn't fit is the nose…" Melchior laughed and interjected quickly.

"Different fight frau! He got that this morning from the warden." Her face lit up with recognition.

"Oh of coarse! Then this is Hellmuth's handy work. Never could fight a boy while they are on their feet." Melchior clapped quietly smiling.

"Right again Frau. You have a gift." She laughed and offered a massive hand to Hanschen who weakly took it. She nearly yanked him to his feet and quickly sat him down on an old cot that was riddled with mysterious stains from prior patients. Hanschen grimaced at the mattress and tried hovering just above it, his germ phobia kicking in badly. The nurse pressed him down flat into the bed and he shivered in complete disgust.

The nurse palpitated Hanschen's chest gingerly and his eyes bulged and he began trying to bore a hole in his lip with his teeth.

"Tender. I know. Just relax. I need to count." The nurse furrowed her brow and continued to rove her hands over his chest. Melchior couldn't help but think Hanschen deserved it a little. Had he just listened for three seconds to him he would be completely fine. "Three. You are a very lucky boy." She helped Hanschen back to a sitting position. "Melchior help him get his shirt off while I get a bandage." Hanschen quickly started undoing his buttons.

"I don't need any help." Melchior rolled his eyes and walked over anyway.

"Try getting your shirt off now…" Melchior smirked waiting patiently. Hanschen went to take his shirt off attempting to lift his arms but screaming in a sudden burst of pain as his chest shifted. "That's what I thought." Melchior pushed Hanschen's hands away and quickly pulled his arms out of his sleeves. Hanschen glared away staring at the sanitary white walls. He didn't much feel like looking at Melchior so he turned his attention to the nurse fumbling in a large closet. She confused him. She scared him. He was oddly excited by her masculine muscles and her dagger sharp chin but as he slipped his eyes to her chest he rolled his eyes in disgust. If only he could find all of her attractive. But if he could he wouldn't be here in the first place.

She resurfaced and started to gently wrap the bandage around his bare chest to add some support and limit his mobility. She smiled and tried chattering happily to ease the obvious discomfort Hanschen was in. "So what is a nice handsome boy like you doing in a place like this. You don't look like the usuals we get around here."

Hanschen's jaw clenched tightly but not from the sudden pain caused by his jump at her question. "I killed a man. He stole something from me." Melchior rolled his eyes and glanced questioningly at Hanschen. Hanschen glared strongly back over the nurse's shoulder. Melchior kept his mouth closed for the time being knowing he would interrogate Hanschen later.

"How lovely. I never would have thought you would have the gal." the nurse chuckled lightly as she safety pinned the bandage. Hanschen gazed once again appalled at her light heartedness, even good humor, at the thought of such a crime.

"How on earth can you laugh at that?" his mouth hung open and his eyes appraised her judgingly.

"Dear if I didn't laugh about those kinds of things I would hate my job." Hanschen cocked an eye brow and wondered how a woman could like this job despite a sense of humor or not. He once again examined her rippling biceps and understood now that they were used to hold down rambunctious boys like himself. They certainly did not make these kinds of women back home. The dainty waifs back there seemed almost laughable in the impressive shadow of this woman. "Now off to bed. No classes today you would just end up shouting in pain every time you raised your hand. You can accompany him Herr Gabor since you were a good upstanding reformatory boy and helped him here." Melchior smirked and held his hand out to Hanschen to help him from the bed. Hanschen looked at it for a moment with a glazed expression then stood stiffly by himself.

"Fine have it your way." Melchior was growing rather bored with the boy's constant refusal of his help. "Just don't expect me to catch you when you fall."

"I won't fall." Hanschen brushed past Melchior bumping his shoulder which probably caused Hanschen's broken ribs more pain than Melchior. Melchior sighed and the nurse beckoned him over with a quiet flick of her fingers. Melchior walked over keeping a wary eye on Hanschen who was slowly and painfully making his way to the door.

"Where did you find this one?" the nurse tossed a casual thumb at Hanschen's back.

"New kid. We kind of know each other from back home." The nurse smirked quietly to herself.

"Well keep an eye on him. He won't last very long with out a friend." Melchior sighed and eyed Hanschen with an aching sense of protection tugging at him. He gave a polite nod back to the nurse and walked tiredly to the door passing Hanschen who was still shuffling carefully avoiding any extraneous pain. Gallantly waving his hand Melchior opened the door for him. Hanschen glared his icy blue eyes dragging disgustedly across Melchior. He hobbled over closed the door and then opened it again for himself.

"I told you I don't need your help." He stumbled out the door looking more like an abandoned kitten than a self-sufficient able bodied young man. Melchior couldn't help but chuckle softly at his boundless stubbornness. He followed close behind Hanschen and despite what he had said he was ready to catch him when and if he fell.

Melchior followed silently for a while but at Hanschen's painfully slow crawl he couldn't help but let curiosity get the best of him.

"You told the nurse you killed someone…" for a long while his voice hung unanswered in the air and Hanschen almost seemed too focused on moving forward to give him a reply. Carefully Hanschen slowed his gait and looked over at Melchior with a stiffening emotionless gaze.

"So?" Melchior was unprepared for a response like this. He couldn't exactly place why he cared about how Hanschen got sent here. Really it only mattered that he was stuck with him in this atrocity they tried to pass off as a place of healing. But still… a Rilow in a reformatory is a curios occurrence to say the least. Not because they were exactly upstanding citizens but because they had enough money to buy themselves out of any kind of fix they got themselves into.

"Well… it is quite a substantial lie. I know you didn't kill someone. You know how curios I get… if you don't tell me yourself I will find out somehow."

"Mind your own damn business." Hanschen tried to pick up his pace but he was getting tired quickly. Melchior took a few quick steps to catch up to him and he tried to catch Hanschen's eye but he refused to turn his head from his adamant march forward.

"Can I at least know who your friend was? The one you sacrificed yourself for? You got pretty touchy over him in the courtyard…"

"I told you if you ever brought him up again I would knock every one of your teeth out. I meant it." Hanschen finally reached the door to the dormitories. He yanked it open angrily with a flounce of a tired pout.

Hanschen stomped proudly in and Melchior followed him like a worried mother hen. Hanschen finally made it to his bed and he carefully pulled out his suit case from under his bed. He set it gently down on the covers and opened it deliberately ignoring Melchior who was curiously peering over his shoulder. Hanschen began taking out his clothes and placing them neatly in the chest at the end of his bed. Piece by piece he focused all his energy into not looking at Melchior and making the clothes immaculate. The silence in the room felt like a smog stifling out any sense of friendship Melchior could have felt for the cold boy. He carefully cleared his throat.

"So how is everyone back home?" Hanschen remained quiet and continued to fold and place his clothes away. Melchior's patience was wearing thin. He quickly turned Hanschen to face him. He had been completely prepared to yell at him but the cold and distant look in Hanschen's eyes made his voice dwindle away. As gently as he could he looked into Hanschen's eyes. "I asked you a question. I would like to know how my mother and father are. My friends. Your friends. Just what its like on the outside. Please Hanschen. I am asking as nicely as I can." Hanschen exhaled quietly. He didn't want to talk. He didn't want to remember and Melchior was making life very difficult.

"Things are exactly the same as when you left. The girls are idiots who giggle too much. Otto and Georg still chuckle about Georg's piano teacher. The parents still are terrified of us and when they get frightened enough they send us here." Hanschen turned back around and went back to folding his clothes leaving Melchior gaping at where his face had just been. _ Things can't be the same. When I was there everything was in shambles… Wendla… Moritz… they had to have learned from that. They had to._ Melchior's throat was feeling rather tight but he had to not dwell on things. It didn't really matter. There was nothing he could do in here anyway. He gently shook his head as Hanschen finally finished with his clothes. Hanschen reached down into his suit case and his hand bumped something and his hair stood slightly on end.

Hanschen spun on his feet to face Melchior. His eyes shifted back to his suitcase for a moment before he addressed Melchior.

"I am hungry. I didn't get breakfast. Is there anyway I could get something to eat?" Hanschen's polite smile was frightening Melchior slightly and he stood on his tiptoes to try and see what Hanschen was trying to hide from him in his suitcase. He caught a glimpse of a leather bound book before Hanschen stepped in front of him and blocked his view.

"I can walk down to the cafeteria. It should be about lunch time." Melchior glared at Hanschen skeptically his curiosity eating away at him.

"That would be highly appreciated Herr Gabor. You should do that immediately." Hanschen quickly spun on his heels and zipped his suitcase shut. He even went so far as to sit down on top of it. He could sense Melchior's hungry eyes on it and he could not risk him trying to open it. Melchior huffed loudly and walked out the door. Hanschen was finally alone. He sighed loudly and curled painfully onto the bed.

"This sucks…" he addressed the room knowing that it was the only thing that could keep a secret. Although the situation being terrible was not exactly a secret he didn't need anyone knowing that he was in pain and hated being here and was… afraid. He glared momentarily at his suitcase. It waited seducing him with its secret contents. It almost seemed to be calling out his name coyly. With a loud groan Hanschen caved and opened the case quickly glancing around the room for the eighth time to make sure it was truly empty.

His hands trembled slightly as he reached for the book inside and paused momentarily to harden himself and to stop his hands from quivering.

_It's just a book. A little book…his book. No just a book. _Hanschen bit his lip hard to stop his mind from rocketing around. _It's a meaningless stupid book. If that's true then why the hell did you steal it from him? _Hanschen angrily slammed the suitcase lid down again in a frustrated rage. He obviously couldn't handle doing this yet. But he wanted to see it…

His hands carefully opened the lid once again and before he had a chance to think he snaked his hand in and yanked out the book. He gently brushed the silver gilded letters. _God I am evil… I stole his holy bible. _ Hanschen couldn't help but smile weakly as he remembered how Ernst totted the stupid thing everywhere. He slipped the suitcase back under the bed and crawled under the covers with the book held tightly in his hand. He pulled the covers over his head just incase anyone walked in. It was against the rules to bring anything but clothes to the reformatory even bibles were contraband.

He sighed and stared at the letters surrounded by a sea of black leather. It was pretty and quaint much like its former owner. Ernst was probably frantic looking for it… he probably actually needed its words and guidance for once in his happy little life but Hanschen couldn't smother the selfish thought that he needed it more. He flipped the weighty book over in his hands and gently rubbed the worn spine. It had been opened so much by Ernst that the leather had become near velvet and Hanschen's fingers could hardly get enough of it. It reminded him vaguely of the soft fuzz that covered the smooth skin on Ernst's cheek. He bit his lip again to stop the stupid sentimental thoughts from clogging his head.

He had to keep moving or he would get bogged down and not even be able to open to the first page. He carefully flicked the cover back and the glanced at the blank white page with the words holy bible typed in organized black scrawl. He turned his attention to the inside cover which had the words "property of Ernst Robel" written neatly in the very center. Ernst's handwriting was painfully loopy and girly and Hanschen carefully traced a finger over each letter.

He stared once again at the open book his mind falling silent. Under the covers was impossibly hot and he was tempted to pull them off of his head but a sudden rush of embarrassment stopped him from doing so. He felt disgusted with himself. He was fawning over a stupid meaningless book that happened to once belong to a boy he may have once enjoyed spending time with. He cut his heart beat down to a slower thump and he quickly opened the bible to the first page. A strangled cry escaped his throat as he realized what a terrible idea it was to open it.

Along the margins Ernst had drawn grape vines with meticulous detail and amongst them kittens played and batted at blue butterflies. Hanschen almost drowned in the boy's sentimentality but he couldn't take his eyes off of the page. He painfully flicked through a few more. The same thing. Scenes of summer winds tumbling and stirring vineyard leaves, kites being held by a boy who looked uncannily like himself. He couldn't help but gasp like a suffocating child as he flicked page after page. The entire book was filled. Halfway through he realized that the grapevines curved in such a way to spell out his name. On the inside back cover Ernst had drawn a grapevine heart and in it he had written both his and Hanschen's name intertwined gracefully.

Hanschen slammed the book closed and squeezed it tightly to his chest. He tried terribly hard to convince himself that the tearing pain he felt in his chest was from his broken ribs. He needed a distraction. Anything to take his mind off the book now cradled in his arms. _Where the hell is Melchior with my food? _

Meanwhile Melchior had just gotten off the lunch line. He held two bowls of soup precariously and figured it would be best if he stopped and ate first so as not to try juggling two bowls all the way back to the dormitories. He scanned the shifting mass of burly boys all pushing and fighting anamalistically for food. Melchior couldn't help thinking that this place only reformed them to revert to their primal needs which he found to be truly evil.

He found the table in the corner where he usually sat alone. He cursed under his breath as he saw Hellmuth and his croanies sitting at his table. He walked over as confident as possible knowing it would be impossible to fight back if they attacked unless he dropped both bowls.

"What the hell do you think you are doing at my table. You know I eat alone." Hellmuth smiled sharply his crooked nose shifting slightly to the left because of his uneven smile. Melchior couldn't help but smile proudly at the remnants of his prior fights. Before he had come here Hellmuth's nose had been as strait as a line.

Silently two other boys rose from the table and casually wheeled Melchior to a seat across from Hellmuth. Melchior's survival senses were on fire as he realized he was surrounded on all sides.

"Philosopher we don't much care for your little charity case. We don't want trouble with you so just let us have our fun with him." Hellmuth leaned forward threateningly.

"How is having fun beating the kid until he can hardly stand?" Melchior stared angrily down at the wood grain of the table and saw with tired anguish the marks he scratched in the wood to mark off each day he was trapped in these walls. There were too many to count.

"Since when is beating a snide little pretty boy not fun?" Hellmuth was honestly asking the question. Melchior clenched his fists and dug his nails into the inside of his palms. He didn't belong among these beasts. "Besides Reinhold has a special interest in the boy. He doesn't want you claiming him without a fight." Wide eyed Melchior glanced up at Reinhold who was leaning a few feet back against a wall his arms folded across his chest. He had a smug smile and cocked a challenging eyebrow at Melchior. Reinhold was quiet for the most part and took orders from Hellmuth but he was a strong and lanky boy. He could give Melchior a run for his money but the look in his eyes made Melchior assume the worst. He wouldn't let Reinhold anywhere near Hanschen.

"Tell Reinhold he will not get anywhere near him. He is mine. Why do you think I have been so nice to him?" Hellmuth laughed but it sounded more like an angry grunt.

"So you go for dumb blondes huh? Gives you plenty of control, say a big word and he might just pass out from confusion and you can do what ever you please to him." Melchior pressed his nails into his hands harder and felt a bit of sticky damp blood under his nails. He had to play along.

"He is mine. Just tell Reinhold to stay away unless he wants trouble." Melchior tried to stand up and leave but the two boys grabbed his shoulders quickly holding him in place. Hellmuth waved his hands dismissingly.

"It's alright boys. Let him go. He is obviously not going to cooperate. We will just have to handle things the hard way. More fun for me." The boys obediently dropped their hands. Melchior didn't want to get into a scrap right now. He glared quickly at Hellmuth but his eyes finally settled on Reinhold who had not flinched. Melchior looked away disgusted with him. He grabbed the soup bowls and ran back to the dormitories as quickly as he could. He tried moving quickly enough to race away from the dark and worried thoughts he had for Hanschen. Reinhold's smug smile was annoyingly embossed into his minds eye.

He finally got to the dormitories and opened the door quietly trying to compose himself so as not to give anything away to Hanschen. He walked over to the bed and smiled halfheartedly as he saw that the covers pulled over Hanschen's head.

"Sorry kid that doesn't keep the monsters out around here." He gently pulled the covers off of his head and found Hanschen asleep, a painful grimace frozen on his tired face. Melchior's eye caught on the leather bound book peaking shyly out from Hanschen's arms.

Carefully he put the bowls of soup onto the chest and surreptitiously slipped the book out from Hanschen's arms. For a moment Melchior's breathing stopped as Hanschen grumbled. But after a painful oxygen less moment Hanschen settled again and remained asleep. Melchior sat on the edge of the bed and looked curiously at the book. As soon as he saw that it was a bible and not a diary he had no qualms opening it.

He found it odd that Hanschen would risk sneaking a bible into the reformatory. He had never been particularly zealous about religious class. Melchior flipped the book open to the middle and smiled with curiosity at the pretty illustrations. He had never pegged Hanschen as a doodler much less one who drew flowers and kittens.

_Maybe it's a girls. Poor boy is love sick._ Melchior chuckled lightly. It would explain a lot. He quickly flipped to the front of the bible. Instead of finding Thea's or Martha's name scrawled happily was Ernst Robel's name. For a moment Melchior's mind stalled. This was intriguing and confusing. He glanced down at Hanschen who was still resting tumultuously.

Melchior couldn't help but feel guilty. He couldn't help but to feel as if he had actually intruded onto something very personal and private. Carefully he slipped the book back into Hanschen's arms and took a few pensive steps around the room. Ernst Robel… and Hanschen Rilow… things were not making sense. But Melchior silently committed himself to find out why Hanschen had Ernst's bible. A small squirming feeling inside him confused him and he questioned why he was so very determined. His mind came up blank and his eyes fell back onto Hanschen. He couldn't help but to smile. Hanschen had certainly shaken things up for better or for worse he would have to wait and find out.

Tah dah! Thanks for reading! A very eventful chapter is coming up next. The more reviews the sooner things get done. I was really really happy with the reviews I got last time they were all very encouraging! If there is anyone who doesn't like it let me know so I can try and get better and those who have reviewed thanks and keep up the great work! Much appreciated!


	4. Steam

hey everyone please don't hate me forever for taking so long to post. i had major chaos for a while between doing my own show and taking care of my own melchior. please if you could find it in your heart to not hate me i would really appreciate it and i would love you guys forever if you reviewed even though i dont deserve it. i promise the following chapters will come quicker.

The blonde awoke with the book held tightly in his arms. In a minor confusion he briefly forgot where he was but groaned tiredly as he remembered the events of the day and why his chest hurt so badly. Melchior glanced over and saw that Hanschen had finally woken up.

Melchior had waited patiently for the boy to get some rest. While he slept he had taken out his own bit of contraband, his journal. Generally his entries were vague and half thought out rants on the cruelties and injustices of society, the degradation of man, but not this time. This time his entry had focused on the fascinating blonde creature dozing and moaning gently in bed. Hanschen confused him. Common sense would lead a person to cling to his only friend but Hanschen refused common sense. Common sense would lead one to think that a boy like Hanschen Rilow wouldn't even end up in a place like this. He was the perfect socialite, impersonal but always polite, wealthy and arrogant, and… handsome.

Having written that Melchior slammed his journal closed. Sure he had always thought in passing that the blonde was probably the best looking boy in his grade when he would observe the other kids in his class but he had never committed his opinion to paper.

Carefully Hanschen sat up in the bed casually slipping the book under his pillow and out of sight. Melchior observed with mild amusement at what Hanschen must have thought was an extremely surreptitious shove. His eyes followed the boy's hands as they shot out from under the pillow. Hanschen awkwardly cleared his throat pulling Melchior's eyes to meet his.

"How long was I asleep?" Hanschen's eyes glinted challengingly. They both knew that Melchior had seen the book and Hanschen was threatening to the best of his ability to make Melchior keep his mouth shut. Something inside Melchior rolled and he had to look back at the pillow where the bible hid comfortable in its downy safe.

It was the damn bible Melchior thought. It must be. Ernst's bible. That was what was getting to him. Hanschen Rilow should not have a boy's bible. Hanschen Rilow shouldn't have a bible at all. Had someone asked Melchior what Hanschen would sneak into a reformatory he would have replied without hesitation that he would bring a smutty postcard of some scantily clad woman. Hanschen was a paradox and Melchior had always loved paradoxes.

"Are you deaf Gabor? How long was I asleep?" Hanschen's flinty voice pulled him back to the blue eyes that seemed more than mildly perturbed at being ignored. Melchior smirked slightly in curiosity.

"How is Ernst Robel? You told me how everyone else in town was but you forgot to mention him. He and I were friends you know and I …"

"He is causing trouble last I heard." Hanschen's voice was completely flat and didn't betray a single scrap of emotion. This only burned Melchior's curiosity hotter like a bellow to flames.

"Little Robel causing trouble? How very unlike him… you must have gotten to him when I left…" Melchior stood as if to end the conversation nonchalantly hoping to entice Hanschen into talking more.

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Hanschen tried to stand but was still stiff and sore. Instead he reached out and caught Melchior's sleeve in his hand. With his back still slightly to Hanschen Melchior let a slightly smug smile sweep over his face. He was getting somewhere. Carefully he turned back to Hanschen and shrugged innocently.

"Well … I remember Ernst would talk about you from time to time. And when ever you were bored during trigonometry I would catch you glancing over at him. I thought your pride got in the way being friends with him… but I guess you put down your guard and started raising hell with him." He had never really realized it but it was true. Hanschen would glance over at the boy and the few times he had talked to Ernst the topic of discussion would sometimes fall to their blonde classmate. Hanschen's grip on his sleeve tightened slightly.

"You are wrong. We were not friends. Ever. And I was only marveling at how naïve the boy was." He was lying. Why was he lying? Melchior was determined to find the answer. He rolled his eyes and sat down next to Hanschen. He swallowed hard and prepared to face Hanschen's wrath.

"Come on Hanschen… we both know what's under your pillow…" there was a long silence. An eternity passed where Hanschen didn't move. He didn't glare at Melchior. He didn't breathe. He couldn't breathe.

"Shut up…" it was the best he could do. He was not prepared to contend with Melchior with Ernst involved. Suddenly the door opened and the other boys filed back in. They all made their way to their beds and rifled in their chests pulling out towels.

"Shit… showers…" Melchior had forgotten and bit his lip hard glancing over at Hanschen who was mildly confused as to what was going on. He quickly scanned the room and pinpointed everyone of Hellmuth's gang. They were all casually getting ready, tossing the white towels around their necks and pealing off their shirts. He passed his eyes over Reinhold last. His wiry frame was doubled over searching in his trunk for his towel but Melchior could see his eyes flicker like a candle flame as he peaked over to the two of them. He was planning something. Melchior felt the bile rise in the back of his throat. "Hanschen… you have to stay close to me. These showers are probably the most dangerous place here. Stay close to me and you should be fine." A loud scoff came from Hanschen as he swiftly stood and got out his towel. Melchior's frustration was getting the best of him. "God damn it Hanschen I swear to god you do not know what you are getting yourself into. I can't always be there to beat up the mean people."

"I never asked you to. I can take care of myself. And you better keep your nose out of my damn business or I swear you will regret it." A buzzing tension held Hanschen gazing at Melchior for a while. Melchior couldn't help but to see a cry for help in his blue eyes and he wouldn't relinquish his hold on the boy.

"Sorry to break this cute moment up but the warden says its shower time." Reinhold had snuck up behind Hanschen. "Would you like me to show you where it is?" Reinhold smiled with all his teeth and Hanschen glanced pointedly back at Melchior.

"I would greatly appreciate that." Hanschen smiled back at Reinhold challenging Melchior to stop him. Before Melchior had a chance to protest Reinhold took Hanschen by the arm and led him out the door. Melchior jumped up to follow them. He got to the door just as a hand caught his shoulder and spun him.

"No no no philosopher." Hellmuth waggled a diminutive finger in front of Melchior's face before he swatted it away. "We are going to give them a bit of a head start. Besides you don't have your towel…" Melchior was so distracted by the thought of Hanschen alone with Reinhold he had not heard Gaston sneak up behind them. In one swift motion Gaston had the towel tied around Melchior's arms.

"What the…" Hellmuth used his huge hands to shove Melchior to the ground where he hit hard. All the boys scampered out leaving Melchior incapacitated on the ground.

_Goddamn it. Goddamn it. Goddamn it. _He wiggled helplessly for a few minutes in a complete rage. _ Why does he have to be so difficult? Why can't he just let me help him? Why does he have to be so stupid and why does he think it's a good thing to spite the only one trying to help him? He has gotten me nothing but trouble… why do I even bother? I_

He managed to get the towel untied but not his mind. Why did he bother… it was a question for another hour. He had to deal with the crisis at hand. He brushed himself off and ran as fast as he could to the showers. He stripped down and left his clothes just outside the door. He tossed the heavy stainless steal door open and was immediately greeted by a burst of steam as if a huge beast waited in this lair of tiles. He quickly closed the door behind him so as not to draw too much attention to himself.

He rubbed at his eyes and did his best to scan the fog encrusted room. There were blurry forms all over and he tried to pick Hanschen out from them. His heart hammered in his chest as he shifted as quietly as possible. The communal shower heads blared and caused a small rainstorm orchestra to drown out any talking. The steam pricked at his face and eyes as his head swiveled faster and faster.

Off in a corner near by Melchior spotted a smaller boy shoved up against a wall by someone larger. With out thinking he ran over and pulled them apart.

"What the hell?" Melchior was about to punch the larger boy in the face when he realized the severely displeased boy was not Reinhold. He released him not even worrying about embarrassment as he went back to searching. He moved as quickly as he could with out slipping. Bodies shifted all over and the constant haze disoriented him. He had to get to Hanschen. He had to make sure that Reinhold didn't get to him first. He suddenly yelped as he stepped on what he thought was a wet towel. He reached down blindly and picked up a large beige bandage.

"God damn…" his efforts doubled as he realized Hanschen had to be close. _ He took his bandage off… he is going to hurt him … make his ribs worse… I… he needs me… he doesn't know what he's doing… _

All thoughts came to a sudden and screeching halt as he saw Hanschen alone scrubbing his hair a few feet away. Melchior breathed in the dewy air with a thunderous wave of relief. He was a blazing target standing alone in this corner with soap running over his eyes but at least he was safe for now. He watched silently as Hanschen continued to obliviously make himself more and more vulnerable. The stupid boy felt his ribs gingerly pointing out to anyone who might be watching his weakest points on his chest. As if suddenly bashful Hanschen turned to face the corner trying to hide somewhat just making himself weaker and weaker by turning his back to everyone.

Melchior contemplated walking over just so he could keep a better eye on him but suddenly a crimson blush tinted him… what would Hanschen think if he just walked over to him… they were both indecent. Why the hell did he care what Hanschen thought? Why the hell did he care about Hanschen? He let his mind slip into pondering why in fact he did care for the spoiled brat. He let his eyes rest on Hanschen but he was not really looking. The steam made his senses fuzzy and his lungs warm and full and heavy. The constant thunder of water hitting the clean white tiles made the paradox seem less complicated. He liked Hanschen. That's why he cared. He was his past. His childhood. That's why he cared. He cared because he liked him even though he was the most stubborn stuck up and cocky person he had ever met… he liked him….

The blow came sharp and quick and the blackness came quicker. Melchior fell to the ground and didn't get up. Reinhold rolled him onto his back to make sure he didn't drown and gave a brief thankful look to Hellmuth who still palmed the large rock he had managed to sneak in.

"You owe me Reinhold… he is not going to be pleased when he wakes up. You better hope that pretty boy is worth it." Reinhold smirked over at Hanschen who was still off in his own world tending to his hair.

"He will be." With out another word Reinhold stalked over to Hanschen. In one swift movement he pushed him up against the tile wall. Reinhold was experienced. He knew how to handle the squirming disoriented boy and he pinned him there. "Shhh. don't scream and don't move. We are just going to talk. I just want to talk to you." Hanschen went to let out a strangled scream before Reinhold's hand clamped down over his mouth. When he was sure Hanschen wasn't going to scream again he gently moved his hand away and stroked his chin teasingly. Hanschen despite his fear shivered. The steam and the body pressed close against him mimicked Ernst's skinny frame so closely he almost forgot how terrified he was. The sharp tightening of his hand around Hanschen's arm reminded him that this was not Ernst and he was in big trouble.

"Why… I I I … you…" Reinhold quickly wiped Hanschen's eyes clean of soap and he fluttered them open. They darted wildly around like a trapped animal.

"Yeah. Me. Now enough of you talking pretty boy. You are going to listen and listen closely." Reinhold shifted his weight and pressed down onto Hanschen's broken ribs. A sickening wave of pain gripped at him and tears rolled down his cheek as he clutched tightly at Reinhold to keep his balance. "Hurts doesn't it?"

"Ye..."

"Shut it. That was rhetorical. I know it hurts. And I also know you don't want it to happen again. I can make that happen. I can make sure people leave you alone in this place... including that pain in the ass philosopher. I can make sure your ribs stay intact and your straight little nose stays that way."

"But I… what about Melchior?" Hanschen was doing his best to not seem as frightened as he was. He could feel the tile cutting into his back and his ribs still screamed in pain. Reinhold rolled his eyes sharply.

"I forgot that that was his name… what about _Melchior_?" he spit as he said the name and Hanschen flinched.

"He… he … well he..."

"I get it. Trust me pretty boy… he is not better than me." Reinhold leaned in closely and whispered into Hanschen's ear. His hot breath still tickled at his ear as steam swirled all around making life as misty and numbed as Reinhold's words. "You won't be disappointed. Now listen, I will make sure everyone leaves you alone and all you have to do is come to my bed tonight. Wait until after the warden makes his first rounds. Don't make a sound. Remember you don't want this to happen again…" he quickly shoved his hand into a huge bruise on Hanschen's chest and he fell to the ground in a heap.

Reinhold had vanished back into the steam and Hanschen convulsed where the damp skin had pressed against him. He felt sick. He felt desire. He couldn't help but want Reinhold's touch. It had been so long since he had been touched and his body was set aflame where ever contact had been made. Something in the back of his mind snapped. Reinhold had controlled him. He had been afraid and vulnerable and weak and … he had been Ernst… he had been lost but wanted more.

His entire body heaved and he got sick. He trembled and twitched trying to regain control. He had nothing if he didn't have control. He straightened up and quickly rinsed off. The world on which he stood tottered haphazardly as he glanced about himself looking for Reinhold's dark hair to materialize out of the fading steam. The others were finishing up and he didn't want to be the last one.

_He…likes me… he wouldn't offer to help me if he didn't like me. Maybe he wants someone to make out with. I can do that… he is not bad looking… and he likes me…he likes me. _

Hanschen did his best to stumble out of the showers and nearly helped when he felt a hand brush against his feet. He ran faster hoping nobody else was trying to attack him. He couldn't bear to lose control again today… without control he had nothing. The heavy stainless steal door closed behind him with the same muffled thump of a coffin being nailed shut.

He stumbled down the hall tugging on a shirt and slipping into his pajama pants. He reached the dormitory and the room hushed as he entered. He walked in quietly feeling every pair of eyes on him. His eyes involuntarily flickered over to Melchior's still empty bed. He hardened himself and refused to wonder or worry about the nuisance. _How dare he try to pry into my life. Why the hell can't he just leave me alone? Why does he always have to try so hard to do the right thing? I don't need him…_

Hanschen sat tentatively on his bed and scanned the room to find Reinhold's bed. He was one bed over from Melchior's bed. Reinhold was already draped over the covers. He saw Hanschen gazing and laughed sharply. Hellmuth looked over and saw him looking too and they both laughed as Hanschen felt an annoying blush creeping into his cheeks.

_I bet if Gabor was here too he would be laughing… I am done being the joke around here. I can handle myself. We will see how long Reinhold will be laughing … and see how long Gabor looks at me like I am some stupid kid. I will show them all. _

tah dah! hopefully it was not completely atrocious i will admit i am rusty. be honest and tell me how you liked it. from here on out i will be switching back and forth between melchior and hanschens point of view for plot's sake. thanks so much again._  
_


	5. Music Of The Night

ok so once again its been a long time since i have updated but i swear i will keep it going. thanks for the reviews from last time and i hope you enjoy this chapter. i know its kind of long but i can't stand short chapters.

The rolling darkness clouded my eyes as I tried to sit up. God damn it. God damn bastards. I can't believe this …

The fuzziness of my vision faded as I righted myself and felt the sticky tiles pull at my back. For a moment the clean white walls spun and I thought I would pass out again. My heart ripped at the walls of my chest. I didn't have time to chastise myself or to shake off the throbbing headache that loomed just behind my eyes.

My mind twitched as I tossed clothes on. I had to find him. I had to make sure he was alright. I had to get to him before Reinhold or Hellmuth did. As I rounded the corner of the hall my heart sank lower in my chest. The dormitory door was already closed meaning I was late for roll call which meant Hanschen was alone in that room with all those barbarians.

As I trampled through the door the room fell silent. All eyes turned to me and I knew I hadn't thought this out as well as I should have. All the boys stood orderly as soldiers in front of their beds and some quiet snickers lifted up from the crowd. The warden, stony faced as ever, shoved his feet out in front of him like some great awkward bird of prey. As if his very plumage was at stake he strutted up to me. In the last few months I had managed to shoot up a few inches despite the atrocious nutrition at this place and I had reached his eye level. He glared back with a twisted sneer, his resentment evident on his face.

"I see you enjoyed your shower a bit too much today Gabor. I guess you will be good for the rest of the week then. No showers until next Monday." I crumpled internally. Hygiene was important in a place like this. If you got dirty you got sick. If you got sick you were weak and if you were weak you get hurt. But it was made worse by the fact that now there was no way for me to make sure Hanschen stayed out of trouble. "Now get in line and stop gawking like the halfwit you are!"

I slowly and deliberately walked back to my cot staring sharply at Hellmuth and Reinhold as I passed them. My stomach turned as Reinhold winked at me and I had to bite my lip to keep from bashing his face in. I finally got to my bed and glanced over at Hanschen. He forcefully had his head trained on the spot directly in front of him. So this is the thanks I get for trying to help him… the cold shoulder.

"Pssstt... Hanschen…" I tried to keep my voice just bellow a whisper. I couldn't risk the warden hearing or more importantly Reinhold. He didn't even flicker his eyes in my direction." Damn it Hanschen I know you can hear me… what the hell did he tell you? What ever it is… I swear he is lying…." I bit my lip and watched intently out of the corner of my eye as Hanschen's eyes flickered over to Reinhold. They stayed there for a long time and very softly Hanschen smiled. He quickly and pointedly glanced at me.

"jealous?" one word. One word was all it took to make me want to smack that stupid smug smile off his face. I never knew anyone who could be so endlessly infuriating. If he wanted to get himself killed or worse then that was his prerogative. It was time he learned that this was not some silly game about who was better and who had more friends.

I twisted my head painfully forward sticking it to an empty void of space. The warden finished after another few minutes and turned out the lights. The boys crawled into bed. I slipped under the thin cotton sheets and stared at the dark ceiling. My eyes and ears strained against the darkness. The silence that had swept over the room after the warden left was only momentary as low moans of filthy pleasure began to rise from various beds. It was too early to hear the soft yelps but the poor solitary boys who couldn't find partners had to make due.

I tried my best to block out the sounds and focus in on the cot just next to mine. Hanschen was silent. He didn't toss or turn and I knew he was staring silently over at the cot just on the other side of me. I could hear a low rumble of laughter and I knew Reinhold was doing just as we were… listening… listening and waiting. After a long hour and the moans of the early starters faded the door to the dormitory opened and the warden walked in with his lantern. Every boy held their breath as the lantern swung about like a sick yellow eye. It would pause and stare at a boy then once satisfied move on. From time to time it would blink as the candle flickered and dwindled minutely but just as you thought the eye would stay closed it would spring back open. My nerves tingled as footsteps drew close to the edge of my bed. I forced my breathing to become shallow and even as time slipped slowly on.

After a stilled minute the warden finally huffed and moved out. The door closed behind the horrible yellow eye and replaced it with an even more harrowing darkness. Within seconds Hanschen's blankets ruffled like the wings of an owl. I heard and gritted my teeth as his bare feet made gentle padding noises. I heard them pause for a moment at the end of my bed but I refused to look at him. He was a grown up, or at least he thought he was one, and he could make his own decisions. I shouldn't have to take care of him…

After a few seconds the padding continued on and with what seemed like a deafening laugh Reinhold confirmed Hanschen's arrival. Some more sheet ruffling and silence fell like an even heavier blanket. I waited. Nothing happened for the longest time.

"Reinhold…"

"Shut up." Reinhold's voice was low and horse and Hanschen quickly fell silent again. I gasped but not out of shock. I had been holding my breath with out realizing it. My ears stretched out like strings and tried to latch onto the twos conversation. I felt somewhat sick and I laughed nervously at how stupid I was being. It was no concern of mine. He was an impudent little brat. The only reason I haven't beaten him up yet is because I am better than the rest of the animals in this place. I told myself this over and over again and it made the gentle noises of their lips pressed together a bit more bearable.

Hanschen sounded as if he was handling this whole experience pretty well. Generally the boys gag or shy away or cry the first time they are kissed but he seemed to have lost his will to fight.

"Take them off…" once again my breath froze like a block of heavy ice in my chest. I knew what was going to happen next.

"Wha…" Hanschen's voice came thin and breathy and was followed by a sharp gasp. Reinhold must have become impatient…

"Shut up… no talking." The sounds of cotton scraping against skin became louder as Hanschen struggled a bit. The sound of pants hitting the floor echoed like a cannon shot in the quiet room. I hardened myself. I had too. He had brought this on himself…

"Reinhold please no…" my resolution cracked as I heard Hanschen's whimpering. A few mumbled words bounced back down Hanschen's throat as Reinhold's hand stifled him. I wished I could shut my eyes as tightly as I had shut my eyes as the gently moans of the protesting mattress springs came in succession. The growling low grunts of Reinhold and the high pitched yelps of Hanschen combined in an atrocious harmony all kept in time to the rolling and rhythmic creak of the bed. Each beat hammered a nail of guilt deeper into my heart and I tried to pry it out with every scrap of denial I had. I had tried to stop this. I warned him. He nearly got me killed. I lost showers. I …

The low sounds of crying broke the air and every bit of denial. I could have stopped this… I let him down again. How very me…

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I … I thought I was staying in bed with you…" his voice was that of a defeated mouse. The trembling chatter when the cat has his paw on its tail. The cackle that broke the stillness made my mind fall numb then shiver as it stalled.

"You what? You seriously thought we were going to _cuddle_! Sorry pretty boy but I am done with you for now. I had my fun now get out of my bed." My heart stopped beating as I waited for the padding to start but it didn't come instead I heard some quiet struggling. "What the hell… get off me you fag!"

A scream came as Hanschen was thrown out of bed. I sat up sharply in bed just in time to see him curled on the ground. The wan moonlight that flickered through the barred windows illustrated him like some perverse children's book. His eyes caught mine and the light glittered happily off his tears. He did his best to cover himself but even I knew that he couldn't get up. I looked at him and started to get out of bed.

Like a whip his face turned to one of rage and he mouthed the words go to hell. I slipped back to my pillow and I tried not to be too hurt. I tried my best not to blame him. I tried to understand him but he was beyond even my grasp. Unlike the gentle cat padding I had heard before low scuffing sounds came as Hanschen dragged his heavy feet back to bed.

I closed my heart off. It was aching in the most unexplainable way… the closest thing I had felt like this was that night in the cemetery. I had failed him and …

My brain fizzled out. I couldn't explain the deep sense of attachment and want I had towards that lump of vanity in the cot next to me. So instead of delving deeper into my psyche I attempted to slip into sleep. An hour or so passed and yet my mind would not be stilled. I had been straining to hear every noise from Hanschen's bed but none came and I assumed he had fallen asleep. I listened to the buzz familiar buzz that always managed to fill up a silent room until quietly almost inaudible crying gasps entreated upon the stillness.

"Hanschen…" I couldn't keep from saying his name. I didn't expect a reply. I rolled onto my side and glanced over at his bed. The moon had shifted in the sky and tossed the light over to illuminate his cot. He was sitting up slightly in bed staring down at the pages of Ernst's bible. He didn't seem to notice me or he chose not to acknowledge me and instead continued to stare at the pages. With trembling finger tips he flipped each page with tender care. I doubt he could even see the black letters in the weak light but I had a feeling he knew every page by heart… or at least the illustrations. " Hanschen…"

" Please… just don't…" Hanschen didn't look up and he hardly broke above a whisper but it was a response… it was something. As quietly and gently as I could manage I got out of bed and snuck over to his cot. I sat on the ground next to it and waited by his side. He didn't send me away but he didn't look at me either. It was like a was some silent sentinel or angel standing guard as he continued to stare blindly at his book.

As the moon shifted farther across the sky he began to trace his fingers across the pages as if he could draw the black ink up and know it in his veins.

"Hanschen… you have to sleep…"

"So do you." Damn him and his logic…

"I am not going to sleep until you do."

"You will be up all night." The quiet determination in his voice was so different from the Hanschen of the day. It was small and fervent and feeling. I couldn't deny him but I had to get him to sleep somehow.

" Hanschen… if you go to sleep now I will leave you alone tomorrow… you wont have to look at me or talk to me or anything. Just… you really have to go to sleep." The silence that followed made my heart ache. I didn't want to leave him but if he was going to function tomorrow he had to get some sleep. I shivered and took his silence as agreement. I stood and brushed myself off shaking life back into my legs. Just as I was about to go a hand caught the bottom of my shirt.

"I… don't want you to go." His voice was quiet and meager and sounded as though he could hardly bear to here himself say it. He quickly released my shirt and I blushed for him at how vulnerable he was. I couldn't help but feel a rush of pleasure. " it doesn't mean I need you… or like you or anything…"

"I know…but if it doesn't mean that what does it mean?" the familiar buzz returned to fill the chasm between us. Hanschen's breathing was low and quiet and I assumed he had fallen asleep or was pretending to sleep. I lowered myself back to the floor tentatively and waited a few more minutes to wait until he was actually asleep.

When a low snore started to emanate from his bed I knew he had finally let sleep take him. I walked exhaustedly back to my own bed and slipped in already half asleep but with thoughts of Hanschen's hand shooting out of the darkness to stop me flitting annoyingly around in my brain. He had tethered himself to me for just a brief moment. We had been bound together and I anchored him their and protected him despite all my failures.

That night images of boats and harbors drifted in and out of my subconscious. No matter how hard the wind blew the boats only rocked hazily out on the waves.

Morning came far too soon and my brain cracked along with the dawn. The warden hammered in, his heavy boots acting as our alarm clock. I forced my eyes open and dragged my feet out of bed wincing as the frigid cement floor bit at my once tender feet. Out of what was quickly becoming a habit I glanced over at Hanschen's bed. He was already dressed and up making his bed with his back turned to the world. I marveled at how he could be up so early with so little sleep and stared hard at his back.

His hair was neatly combed and his clothes were impeccably in order. His now finished bed was perfect also. This militant perfection would serve him well in the future. I continued to watch him as he remained standing with his back to everyone and it took me a moment to realize what seemed so different about him. His head was hanging low.

Through out his entire internment here Hanschen's head has been raised like he was some maharajah from some foreign land. He had looked down upon his humble settings with superiority and disdain but now he had toppled to the level of the uneducated masses.

Roll call was quick and done sloppily. The warden was tired or agitated. One could never truly tell what the warden was feeling at any given moment, that is if he actually felt at all. We stumbled out as disorderly mass spilling out into the hall all headed towards the beckoning smell of lukewarm oat meal.

I tripped behind Hanschen who seemed to be the only awake one of the bunch. Low murmurs like the ones that fly at funerals and are so commonly found in mornings flickered all around. I tried to stay right behind Hanschen but my brain was having difficulty functioning on an hour of sleep. Gently I grabbed at his shirt and held on tightly. He looked back sharply at first contact and a white hot look of fear passed over his face before he realized it was me. He sniffed mildly disgusted but didn't shake my hand away.

"I just don't want to lose you." I pleaded with his back trying not to sound too pathetic or sentimental while I straightened my brain out.

"Luckily for you I am trapped in this damn place. I am not going anywhere." His voice was stiff but I smiled. He was talking to me. He had also seemed to have lost his fantasy of escaping which would leave him better off.

I didn't let go of his shirt even after we entered the cafeteria where the boys spread out and left more room to breathe. Hanschen glanced back at me his eyes slipping quickly over me.

"You look like hell." It was followed by some sort of stiff laugh that sounded out of place on his pale face.

"You are one to talk…" silence fell and I looked at his face which had managed to become even thinner in the two days he had spent here. He was pale and his sparking blue eyes had fallen somewhat dull. A gentle wave of pity had swept over me and I walked him over to where I usually sat. I gently pressed him down and he only protested lightly at being lead around. "Are you alright?"

"Fine." I gently scoffed at his obvious lie. I couldn't exactly press. To be honest I was simply surprised that I had not needed to prompt him to talk.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to… just don't lie to me." Hanschen fell silent and stared hard at me. He really looked and I felt my heart shift a little as the boy appraised me. I leveled my gaze to try and match him and I realized how little I knew about him. We had never been friends. I had tried when we wee younger to be civil but he had always seemed to have a personal vendetta against me. After a while I gave up… he was wealthy and well off and never seemed to be bothered by anything. I guess it was a bit of jealousy on my part that made our anonymity grow even stronger.

Our eyes locked and held and I lost all sense of time as I tried to keep his eyes on mine. If I just held onto those sapphires I could dig deep enough and figure him out. Hanschen's mouth fell slightly open and I thought he was about to say something but instead a boy sat quickly down next to me. I instinctively tensed and spun in my seat. Reinhold's sharp face was an inch or two away and he glared down his nose as if emitted some foul odor that he had a clear distaste for. With out breaking his eyes from mine he began to speak to Hanschen.

"Tonight. Same time. And if I catch you with philosopher again believe me I wont be so nice." Hanschen's eyes flickered between the two of us for a long time.

"Ok…" Hanschen couldn't have said that. I whipped my head to see a gentle look of defeat hanging just below his mop of blond. I growled low in my chest knowing I couldn't make the choice for Hanschen. Reinhold laughed and stood up with out a second glance. He walked over to Hellmuth who, by the movement of his hands, was recounting some story to the other boys. He was coming off as quite the hit, making Gaston laugh so hard he fell off the bench he was sitting on.

I did my best to ignore the fools and focus my attention on Hanschen.

"What on earth are you thinking? You know he is just going to hurt you! I can help you! I swear I can. You just have to stay in bed tonight and stay far away from all of them."

Stiffly I watched as Hanschen stood and walked away. I followed him with my eyes as he walked to get food and returned calmly with a bowl of porridge. He sat as if nothing had happened.

"Did you hear me?" it was a superfluous question because we both knew he had heard me quite clearly. The familiar frustration started to get to me again and I had to swallow a few angry words that were creeping up the back of my throat. " fine. Talk to me when you are ready to. Just try not to do anything stupid." He quietly huffed and didn't take a single bite of food. We sat in a stand still refusing to meet each other's eyes.

"I am not stupid…" I laughed as Hanschen tried to defend himself.

"I never said you were stupid. You seem to do an awfully good amount of stupid things for an intelligent boy but by no means are you stupid. In fact you are rather smart." I looked up just in time to see Hanschen trying to shake away a gentle blush. With out realizing it a blush slipped into my own cheeks and I quickly stood to go get a bowl of my own food.

I passed Hellmuth's table on the way and the entire group bust into laughter.

"Hey philosopher! Be careful or pretty boy might try to cuddle with you too!" generally I try to ignore they comments made. There are too many to take into account but this time I glanced over. Gaston was once again cackling on the floor and Hellmuth looked proud of his juvenile wit. All in all a very general scene save for the fact that Reinhold was looking away. Normally he would have happily taken part in the jeers but he hung his head slightly and looked at the floor… I couldn't place whether it was embarrassment or guilt… but he at least was feeling something.

I shrugged off the minor distraction and grabbed a bowl. I took the long way back to get to my seat avoiding Hellmuth and his degenerates.

When I finally got back Hanschen was sitting staring straight ahead. His bowl had been cleared away and I doubt he had taken a single bite. I sat down and tried to figure out what he was thinking. His eyes flickered everywhere but in my direction and his hands fiddled with themselves trying to make knots out of his own fingers.

" what are you thinking about?" a long pause followed and his head waved from side to side as if he were trying to hear his own thoughts better.

"What do I do next…"

"Well we have lessons after breakfast today."

"That's not what I meant."

"Oh…" his forwardness caught me off guard and I waited for him to elaborate on what he really meant. It never came and I was left empty and confused as the bell rang to signal the start of class. I shoveled down some food and Hanschen looked on with mild disgust at my bad manners. "Hey at least I eat…" the comeback was in effective as a few stray grains of oatmeal flew out of my mouth. Hanschen laughed and handed over a napkin. Sheepishly I cleaned my face. "Better?"

Surprisingly Hanschen picked the napkin up again and wiped away a spot I missed.

"Better." He spun on his heels and walked out the cafeteria doors as if he knew exactly where he was going. Meanwhile I was left mouth hanging somewhat open. The boy certainly had a way of disarming people. I did my best to shake it off and chased after Hanschen groaning softly. I had a feeling I would be chasing after that boy for a very long time.

there it is and i hope you enjoyed it :) reviews would be great and the next chapter is from hanschens point of view which will hopefully be out soon.


	6. pluvia

Hey everyone so I know I kind of vanished but I am making it up with a super long chapter. I hope you like going on hanschen's wild ride. More to come as soon as possible and I hope you guys know that my writing fuel is reviews p.s. to all those who speak latin I do not and I used a translator site so if its wrong I am sorry.

I could hear whispers flying all over the classroom. The entire day had been like this, through English and history and lunch and finally this class. My heart pounded as my mind convinced myself that every single one was about me. Suddenly Hellmuth cackled loudly from something Reinhold said and the teacher slammed his switch hard against the desk.

"Hellmuth, since you are clearly done with the math problem you wouldn't mind answering it out loud."

"Three times nine…. Is… thirty nine." Hellmuth glared at the chalkboard as if he could make the answer magically appear. The teacher sighed exhaustedly and I marveled at just how stupid these morons were. "I mean its ninety three!" Hellmuth smiled proudly but it faded as the teacher groaned rubbing his temples.

"Wrong again. Please take a seat and don't open your mouth again until you have figured out the proper answer." The teacher strode over and gave Hellmuth a quick swat for good measure and the whispering ceased quickly. They were still thinking about me. I could tell by the millions of eyes that danced back and forth from their desks back to me. The one pair of eyes I could not see was Gabor's… he had sat in the far back corner a few seats behind me. I didn't dare turn my head to see what he was thinking.

Since the moment I had got here he had been nothing but trouble. He was worse than the flies at the stable that for some reason preferred the taste of your blood over the quivering beasts in their stalls. The boy had managed to worm his way into my consciousness and made a happy home amongst my thoughts. My neck muscles itched to turn even for a second to just validate that he was still there and not in some other classroom. No. I couldn't give him that satisfaction. Instead I trained my eyes on Reinhold's profile.

He seemed so far away. Every time I looked at him I felt sick but only vaguely like the feeling one gets when seeing a food that at one time made you sick. I could still feel the pressure of the mattress against my back and the feeling of his hands digging into my shoulders. His fingers, despite being thin and delicate, were strong and left purple marks where they had held me still. I stared harder at him trying to recollect what happened but all I could think about was his hands… all I would let myself think about was his hands. They had held me and wanted me and needed me even if it was only for a little while. Ernst hands held me and he was as close as I was going to get to having Ernst back.

Suddenly Reinhold looked up from his work and smiled pointedly at my gaze. He glanced up at the clock and mouthed the words "three more hours." I shivered softly and couldn't keep the fear from shaking my frame. As if Melchior could smell my terror he got up from his seat passing me and pausing only slightly leaning down.

"Everyone can see how scared you are. Stop making a fool of yourself and stay away from him. Move back two seats… you can sit next to me and I will make sure he leaves you alone." All this was said in one wild breath that tickled in my ear mingling the words together with whispering airy sounds. Melchior's breath in my ear made me shiver as much as Reinhold's toothy and hungry smile. I couldn't stand feeling so weak all the time. Back on the outside I had been in complete control over everything but here everyone felt they had the power to tell me what to do. Well that was going to change. I was not going to move back to Melchior but I was not going to go to Reinhold either. No one could make me do something I didn't want to do.

Quietly my lips tingled and I fidgeted at the thought of another day without contact. Reinhold had been so strong. His lips had been like fire in the cool night air and I could still feel the blistering desire he left in his wake. My heart hammered as it rushed back to the showers and the bed and the silent force that he pressed upon me. All my life I had yearned for something like this. Quick swift passion with no words or feelings attached. I had thought I wanted it and that why I had gone with Ernst… I never had to say much or even tell him I loved him. He was pretty and I could do as I pleased but even now as I sat in this class full of slime and stupidity my heart twanged for him. I had fallen prey to the very thing I had avoided. I felt something and it was making everything terribly complicated. With Reinhold things were different… when I saw him I didn't smile… I feared… but only for a little while. Once that faded I felt…. Well … nothing. And that nothing was a great relief from feeling everything.

Melchior returning from his trip to the front of the room passed my desk again whispering even more fervently "please… I am begging you. For Ernst… he wouldn't want you to be doing this." I hated him. Both of them. Ernst and him. Ernst was probably long gone and Gabor couldn't let it drop. He was talking as if… as if I had feelings for the little whelp. He didn't know anything.

"Go to hell Gabor."

"not before I know you are safe you idiot." Before I could stop him he took the empty seat next to me. I whipped my head towards him to retort angrily but he was smiling determinedly at me and my mouth hung loosely on its hinges. I gripped the edges of my desk trying to regain the bit of control I had had over myself but it refused to return. My mind ran wild with thoughts of that charming and caring smile and his lips curved up just perfectly. Damn him for having perfect lips.

"Quis es vos vultus procul?" his prefect lips formed the Latin perfectly and I frowned at how loud he was being. Others could hear and they turned their heads back inconspicuously trying to listen.

"Are you an idiot or something? These boys hate me enough without you asking me what I am staring at!" I whispered as quietly and angrily as possible hoping the other boys couldn't hear. He laughed and I tried even harder to rip my gaze from him but found myself floundering in his amber eyes.

"Operor vos pia reputo illa volutabrum agnosco latin?" I frowned even more. He had a point. These pigs around us could hardly understand their own language let alone a foreign one.

"Ego operor non tutela. subsisto sermo volo." Melchior winced and drew back a little deflating at the fact that I had shot down his attempts at conversation. I told him I didn't want to talk and I meant it. I didn't care if he had thought of some clever way to chit chat. I was not interested.

Class was dismissed and for a moment my heart skipped a beat as both Reinhold and Melchior stood at the same time. Melchior blocked Reinhold's path to me but before Reinhold could confront him about it the teacher brushed past him.

"Rilow the warden would like to see you in his office immediately." I silently convulsed in my seat but nodded standing and running out of the door. The warden knew. He knew everything. He knew and he hated me. I tossed one last furtive glance at the two boys staring each other down and hoped they would both just disappear. I had more pressing matters to attend to.

The hallways seemed infinite. They were all beige and mirrored the prior and seemed like the horrible labyrinth we had read about in mythology. The beast, the centaur, was the warden and his office door loomed at the very center. I paused, my hand hovering just outside the think oak door. My brain backfired and tried to think of something I had done through the day to warrant a discussion with this man but nothing came.

"Come in before I drag you in!" the bark hammered out past the door and my knees knocked hard against each other. As gracefully and determinedly as I could I pulled the door back and walked in with my head held high. I was after all a Rilow and we answer to none.

The beast waited at his mahogany desk and my confidence evaporated as I flashed back to the night before I came here… entering my fathers study his eyes weighing down on my judgingly.

"Sit down." The warden drew back his lips into a smile which resembled a dog baring his teeth rather than a gentle encouragement. "Do you know why I brought you here? Better yet do you know why you are here?" his questions made no sense and I waited before him feeling like a young child who had been framed for a crime too big for him to commit.

"I… I am sorry sir I am afraid I don't understand your question."

"Idiot. Just like the rest. The boy. You know exactly why you are here and don't you dare play dumb. Your filthy rich father bought you a better brain then that!" he slammed his fist on his desk and I smirked at his obvious envy at my family's wealth. Like lightening he reached over the desk and literally smacked the smirk off my face." You disgust me. I brought you in here because I know what you are. An abomination. The things you do with … boys…." He shuddered as if he could actually taste the disgust he was spewing from his words. "I am telling you this once. If I catch you with one of these boys… doing anything at all… even looking…. I will have you killed." The matter of factness with which he said the word killed made my heart stop. He was not bluffing nor was he afraid to threaten a sixteen year old boy. His fists balled waiting for a reply as if he could already feel his hands around my neck. "What do you have to say to that boy?"

"Nothing sir. You will not have a problem sir." My voice was on autopilot and come out with a distantly familiar blithe coolness. My brain had shut off and I was walking through life how I would at home. Nothing could touch me. The warden had flipped a switch in my head shutting off all emotion and fear. All drive to escape was gone along with all desire to touch and be touched. I was nothing and I liked it. The warden looked me once over as if I was a rotting piece of fish at market before finally dismissing me.

Each step I took echoed but never reached my ears again. I smiled tiredly curious at how I could even shut out sound now. Funny how a death threat can motivate one in such a manner. Boys passed as I walked by the dining hall. Dinner was just letting out and my stomach roared in protest as I passed it by. I hadn't eaten since I got here and had no desire to put forth the effort to chew. The showers called and I stripped away my clothing even taking away the feeling of cloth on my skin. I was nothing and slowly I began to blend with the air. It was amazing. I didn't hurt and I didn't think and most of all I didn't feel. I knew Gabor would not be here thanks to the warden's punishment and Reinhold took away the suspense of waiting for him by immediately pressing me to the wall on entrance. For a split second he looked me in the eyes and frowned. He could see it. How dead I was inside. His mouth hovered over mine and his hands held me firmly in place pressing lightly against the bruises he had placed earlier on my shoulders.

"You…" before he could get another word out I slammed my hand against his mouth.

"Shut up. No talking." He nodded against my hand and I removed it and he went to work his lips probing every inch of my damp and trembling body. He made himself moan in pleasure while I rested limp against the slippery tiles not feeling or thinking about what was going on. I pondered tiredly how the smooth and wet tiles made my back feel like it was coated in slime. I wondered if this was how the rocks at the bottom of the pond felt. Covered in green filthy slime and algae, forced by some cruel twist of nature to be drowned from the sun. after ten minutes of him forcing himself upon me he pulled away shoving me down and striding out.

"See me after the warden's first rounds." I could be killed for that. I could be killed for what I just did. The idea was morbidly fascinating and I pondered if somewhere deep inside me I wanted to get caught. I finished scrubbing myself clean taking only a few minutes knowing the feeling the feeling of slime would not leave my back.

Cloths were a nuisance knowing I would just have to take them off in a few minutes but I obediently put them on. The dorms feel silent or at least seemed silent to me. The whispers of the day were blocked out by my callous ears and I sat down on the bed. Melchior quickly came over speaking in rushed and broken Latin.

"Es vos puteus? Ego requiro vos." A sharp laugh crawled out of my throat as he blushed brightly mostly for the fact that he was asking me if I was alright. I felt fine. Better than I had in years. I didn't feel. But then his words sunk in. he had also said he had missed me. A threatening emotion loomed just outside me consciousness and I worked hard to push it away. I felt warmth creeping into my bones from the three words he had uttered. Ego requiro vos… he missed me. Stop it. I was done with feeling.

I rolled over in bed and quickly closed my eyes. I could hear him waiting for me to say something or even look at him but I would not allow myself.

"Spurned by your lover Gabor?" Reinhold cackled at Melchior waiting for me and finally Melchior went off to bed. I could here Melchior mumbling quietly fro his bed every so often.

"commodo sermo volo… commodo sermo volo… commodo sermo volo…" _ please talk to me…please talk to me…please talk to me…_. I had nothing to say. The warden made his rounds and stopped for what seemed like a year at my bed examining every inch waiting for me to show some sign of life. I had none left in me and he finally went on his way. I didn't move from under the sheets. Slight defiance welled up in me, an archaic leftover of the rebellious fervor I had had before. After ten minutes Reinhold was standing over my bed. He took one look at me and slipped in going to work at my clothes.

"Fine. Your bed. My bed. Makes no difference to me. Now help me get your damn pants off." I obeyed knowing it would be quicker if I did. He quickly went through the same motions of the other night but this time instead of focusing on his hands I thought on the springs pressing into my skin. They moved with me and I quickly became part of the mattress. Unfeeling but moving. When he was finished he rolled off me and rested next to me. He wrapped his arms around my neck and pressed his forehead against mine. His sweat makes him slip a bit and he closes his eyes exhaustedly. "You don't want to cuddle?" his voice was teasing and coy in my ear as if he was trying to get a rise out of me.

"No." I couldn't think of what I wanted. He held on tighter, I could feel his muscles contract frustratedly around me.

"Then we are going to." I squirmed softly against him but quickly gave up. He held me and I could feel his breathing damp against my clammy chest. Nothing made a sound. I listened carefully for his heartbeat or my own but it was silent. Reinhold's hand snaked out of the darkness and touched my cheek. "You are crying again…"

"Am I?" his fingers roughly brushed the tears away and I went on waiting for the sun to come up.

The sun came up. The sun came up three times more before the rut that had been created was broken. Every morning I had woken up surprised to be alive after the ravaging of Reinhold and the perpetual silence through out the day. Every morning I would be greeted with Melchior staring at me from across his bed and he would gently whisper his Latin plea "commodo sermo volo." I had not spoken to him within the three days. Not a word. Melchior had even resorted to grabbing my hand in an empty hallway wordlessly holding fast and begging with his eyes. I had pulled away knowing the warden could walk by at any second. Every morning during exercise the boys would keep their distance thanks to Reinhold except for a few stray jabs from Hellmuth to keep me in line. Classes were too easy to distract my mind from the day and I would drift aimlessly through blank chalky thought. I had more or less found my place amongst the wretches and couldn't feel enough to care how bad a place it was.

The sun rose on this Thursday much like any other day but instead of peaking out through the clouds it was hidden behind a curtain of heavy rain. I could hear it drum like impatient fingers against the roof and I wondered indifferently if we would be sent out into the rain. My question was answered soon enough by the warden barking orders.

"Fall in single file! No exercise this morning. Rain!" the boys obeyed and I fell in between Melchior and Reinhold. Melchior tugged quietly at my sleeve.

"Please talk to me… you… you have not been eating… you look sick… just… Hanschen I am worried about you." Reinhold simply laughed hearing every word Melchior had said. I stiffened at the laughter and stared at the floor ignoring the two as they squabbled over my head. "Excuse me Reinhold but this does not concern you. I am worried about my friend because of you!"

"Please philosopher! Pretty boy wants nothing to do with you. He belongs to me." Melchior tried to brush past me to get at Reinhold but the warden shouted at the both of them sending them into a strained whispering battle. Slowly the line moved forward boy by boy but I was too distracted by their argument to care what was going on.

"He does not belong to anyone. He is my friend and you don't care about him one bit."

"Funny how he doesn't belong to anyone yet you refer to him as being yours. A bit of a hypocrite are we?" Reinhold's condescending smile lasted long enough to be seen by both Melchior and I until it was his turn to go do what ever we were lined up for. Melchior quickly spun me to face him.

"Please Hanschen I am going absolutely insane. I promised myself I would take care of you … you just have to let me. Say something … anything so I at least I know you are still alive in there…"

"I am not alive…" its all I could muster. I felt the warden's hand grab my shoulder and shove me down into a chair that had been pulled into the room. I looked around and saw a pile of hair on the floor and the boys who had gone before me stood quivering like shaved lambs with their shorn very short. Reinhold smirked down at me looking as though he was imaging what I would look like. Before I could actually process what I was doing I covered my head with my hands. "No no no no no no no!" each successive no came out with more force as if my voice had been so underused it needed time to warm up.

The clippers teetered just above my golden mop and the warden glared down.

"Every boy gets a hair cut. No hair no lice and you look respectable."

"no." my hair was the last thing I had that was me. I took care of it and washed it and it was mine. He was not going to take it from me. I stood and felt his hand shove me back into the chair. All the boys had turned to watch me lose my mind because it was such a rare and fun spectacle to see. He managed to get the clipper near my head and a bit of hair fell to the floor. Watching the lock tumble helplessly to the floor and become mottled amongst the barbaric locks of these raucous youth was more than I could handle. I was not part of them.

With new found strength I sprung from the chair. The warden picked me up by the shirt collar obviously frustrated. He dragged me down the hall kicking and yelling for release as the boys chased us down the hall laughing and jeering. Without a second thought I was tossed into the rain landing face down in the mud and grit.

Trembling in the storm I ran to the door but the other boys laughed and waved through the window. The warden had been efficient and locked the door in his passing and left me shivering and alone even from the horrible world I had come to know. I scanned the faces of the mocking fools and wondered if I truly was the stupid one… the worthless one. Melchior gazed helplessly from the back of the mob tears on the corners of his eyes. At least I was not the one crying for once.

I turned my back on them all but I could not turn my back on the revitalized emotions I was feeling. Every rain drop that struck my cheek made me think of the tears on Melchior's lashes and they burned with passionate guilt. The mud clogging my toes sickened me and made me think of Reinhold but also set aflame a desire for contact from anything. My pajamas clung to my skin and I started to cry at what I had become.

The world around me was tumbling in clear drops and mingling with the mud and earth to create something real and passionate and alive but I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. I could only be numb or feel too much. There was no happy medium for me. There was no happiness for me.

I felt my feet begin to sink into the mud and I began to run away from its grasp and my reality until finally I got to the high fence. It was stopping me from running away. I had always been running and running and running and it worked for me but this damn place was stopping me. Melchior was stopping me. Everything was standing in my way.

I gazed watching the rust only further intensify against the links but frowned as a figure came skipping up the road that passed the fence. It was hooded and in a tall fair blue rain slicker holding a covered basket. A foolish girl no doubt skipping amongst the puddles… but what mother would send her daughter out in a storm like this…

The figure stopped in its prancing when it noticed me heaving against the metal. It froze like a dear walked in upon in a gentle glen. Slowly and carefully it came forward. It was then I noticed the tight pants and boys shoes peaking out from the jacket. Before the figure had come within five feet of the fence I knew exactly who it was. Two pale hands pulled the hood away revealing doe eyes and porcelain skin.

"Oh my god…. Hanschen…." I most definitely was going to be sick but not before his names slipped gently from my lips.

"Ernst…."

My heart was no longer in my chest and rolled amongst the sopping mud and rocks.

"Hanschen oh darling it is so good to see you! You look… terrible… are they not treating you well? Papa said this school would be good for you." I couldn't even wrap my mind around the fact that people like him still existed in the world after living in this hell for a few days. He ran up to the fence carefully putting his basket down and delicately lacing his fingers into the fence he smiled at me. "Come here so I can see you better! I have missed you so much darling. It's been terribly lonely and the grapes in the vineyard don't taste nearly as sweet without you." He laughed at his attempt to flirt.

"What are you doing here?" it came out harsh from my chattering teeth and he frowned, his bright energy fading a bit.

"After we got caught papa put me to work for the minister… I am running errands for him today. They have me living with him and I am being trained to be the next pastor! Isn't that great Hansy? I told you that that's what I wanted to be and now I get to be it. Papa said it would be good to get those confused thoughts out of my head with prayer." His chatter continued but I had stopped listening. He was happy. He glowed even in the dismal rain and had gotten everything he had ever wanted. I stared blankly at him trying to regain the desire I once had for him groping like a blind beggar pleading for some glint of that treasure we had shared. It took several tries for Ernst to regain my attention. "Hanschen…. Hanschen… are you … feeling well? You look cold… and you… well you are very thin…" his concern made my eyes sting and his gentle rosy cheeks reminded me of apples in the blue light.

" I am fine Ernst… very well… you are just catching me off an illness that's why I am so thin and sickly looking but they have been taking great care of me… someone spends every night with me …" I felt sick from the lie and what I really meant by spending the night but Ernst beamed happily.

"Oh well I am so glad you are feeling better! Out to get some fresh air then?" he smiled having believed every word I said blindly in faith. He had not changed a bit.

"Yes…exactly…the rain feels good…" Ernst nodded and smiled back at me and I tried my hardest to smile back but he had stayed the same and I was only the same in the color of my hair and eyes. Nothing remained of the free and stupid Hanschen. I very gently placed my fingers over his and felt them cold and alien against my own.

"Are you happy Ernst?" it was so quiet it was almost drowned out by the rain.

"Why of course I am happy. The pastor is so kind to me and doesn't make me feel bad for what we did. He doesn't even really bring it up. Papa and mama are pleased with the work I have done and the only problem is I don't get to see you. Oh and did I tell you? I lost my bible… I nearly went mad looking for it but the preacher gave me a new one and I love it so much. Its got golden letters and the other only had silver!" I couldn't help it. I started to cry silently and held tighter to his fingers cursing the fence between us. It was keeping us apart. It's all its fault. I could be with him if this fence was not there and I could be stupidly and naively happy just like him. "Hansy… are you crying? Is it something I said? I am sorry I didn't mean to upset you… why don't you come over your school break and mama will make us cookies and I am sure you will feel better then."

It was not the fence keeping us apart… it was our lives. He was happy where he was and most likely would be a pastor one day and have his red cheeked wife and his lovely children frolicking just as much as he frolics now and me… I would be a fun romping memory trapped behind a fence. "Ernst… would you like to kiss me?" he bit his lips his face turning red. His large eyes still held that frightened look always surprised by life.

"I am not supposed to… I am not even supposed to talk to you… but I… I would very much like to." He carefully leaned his face against the fence and I pressed my lips against his. The fence cut painfully into my nose and I couldn't move or even truly reach him. He was already gone. I pulled away and he smiled shyly out at me "I love you Hanschen… when can you visit? That was nice but… the fence hurt my cheek…" swallowing every feeling within me I stared at him.

"Ernst… I can't ever visit… I … they are moving me to a school in America in a few days… they think I am very smart and say I will fair better there. I want you to forget all about me." His eyes suddenly welled up with tears and his bottom lip quivered.

"What do you mean you won't be able to visit…?"

"Exactly that Ernst… I will never be able to see you again. I am sorry."

His eyes searched my face and he chuckled weakly. "You are so silly Hanschen… you have such a peculiar sense of humor…"

"I am not joking Ernst…" he tried to laugh harder and reached through the fence to grab my sleeve.

"Stop it Hanschen… the joke is not funny…I mean… when can you really visit."

"Ernst I am not visiting ever. Go meet a girl and get married. I will be finding someone else in America." He shook his head softly begging.

"I don't want someone else… you were my first kiss. I love you as I have never loved anyone!" I gently pulled my sleeve away.

"You have never tried loving another…" Ernst stated to bawl hopelessly but I knew he was just frightened. He would be happy without me. He would have a chance to live and love without me.

"I can be better I swear! I will get better at kissing and and and and I will never try to make you slow down again and and and we could run away together!"

"Would you leave your parents? And your sister? And the pastor and school and all your friends and your life… would you leave everything for someone who… who doesn't love you?"

"You… don't… love me?" he trembled now and his tears stopped and he couldn't quite understand the words even though he had said them himself.

"No Ernst… I like you very much but… you and I … we… are not in love."

"Oh…" it was so meager and frail but managed to break my heart into atoms. "Kiss me… please Hansy…." He left his face against the fence with his eyes closed waiting patiently for my lips to meet his. Reluctantly I obliged and for a brief second a flame of passion boiled between us and the kiss held for a several minutes his lips saying their last adieu to mine as if trying to forever leave a memory of how they felt upon my own.

"Goodbye Ernst… one day I will write to see how you are doing…" I doubt he heard the last words because he had run off sobbing with his basket. I knew he would hurt now … probably speak to the pastor about how I had stomped on his heart but he would forget… that wife is waiting out there for him to forget about me and when he does… he will be so happy… and I will still be out in the rain…

melchiors pov

The other boys had left after a few minutes of watching Hanschen stand like a sentinel in the rain. I remained alone with Reinhold for a while until he too finally left.

I watched him through the small window fiddling with the lock trying very hard to get it open. After ten minutes I took a break and set to watching him to make sure he was alright. I gazed curiously out the window and saw him chatting with some stranger on the other side of the fence. My insides roiled hoping he was not trying to convince this outsider to help him escape and I looked harder to see exactly who it was.

Ernst Robel.

My heart skipped a beat and I prayed I would find out the secret between those two. Nothing happened for a long while as they stood and talked and I cursed the concrete between us blocking out their voices. When I had just about convinced myself that they were merely just catching up they pressed their faces to the fence and kissed. So they were in love… that was how it is. I was not surprised or at least I thought I wasn't … but there was a knotting in my stomach that I couldn't vanish. I looked away as they kissed once again this time only more passionately and longer.

As I looked back I realized I had been biting my lip hard and I smiled as Ernst ran away. Good. I mean… good because Hanschen doesn't need anymore difficulties in his life… sorry Ernst but… he is with me now… I mean in this place…


	7. Church Mice

hey all, so please don't hate me for not updating... writing plays and acting in plays and finals all kind of came up at once and i didn't get a chance to. but its a super long chapter to make up for a super long period of being away. i wasn't sure if i should split this into two but oh well. i really hope you like it and i really appreciated all the reviews ( they got me motivated even though it didn't seem like it)_  
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_Click_. God damn it finally. I pulled at the silver knob and called out into the chattering rain.

"Hanschen get inside…" he didn't move. He was still staring at the few and far between foot steps Ernst had left when he ran off. "Hanschen you are going to get sick…" his back rippled with unsaid words that scurried down his spine causing him to shiver. Had he always been that skinny of was it just the light… "Hanschen he is not coming back."

At this Hanschen spun on his heels and started trudging through the filth to come back. His head hung low and the hair that had caused all the problems hung lank and sticky against his cheeks. I knew it was terribly cruel but I couldn't keep the author inside me from cataloguing this mental image. He looked like a fallen soldier on one last mission trekking towards his savior. The only thing keeping him from ascending was the muddy tendrils that clung to his pale ankles and tied him to this god forsaken earth.

He stopped at the door and I tried to pull him in but he refused.

"Just get inside! No one is around. No one else saw. Now get in before I force you in." he was so stubborn. He didn't flinch. With a cobra's precision he removed his shirt and started to wipe the filth from his bare feet. I watched in confused wonder as he took his time to get every inch of his feet and then moved on to the spackles that ran like a dappled horse up the back of his legs. When he was done with the arduous task he glanced up at me. His eyes hovered on my short hair before he finally stepped inside.

"If you could be so kind as to never speak to me again I would appreciate it greatly." He was being completely serious and I had to quickly swallow the laugh that had sprung up. His brow was pulled together slightly and his jaw was clamped tight as if to hold back tears or shivers. I couldn't help it. I laughed. I chuckled softly and as kindly as I could while I brushed the stray hairs from his eyes and tried not to tremble at the deep hallows forming by his temples.

"You are an idiot. You look kind of like a drowned kitten. Now come on, ok?" I took his hand and held it tightly as he followed. I lead him back to the now empty dorms and by the time we got there he was holding my hand tightly, like a child in a large city clings to its mothers hand for fear of being lost in the quell. But there was no quell. The halls and rooms were silent.

Hanschen had started to shiver in the chilly drafty hallways and suddenly the cavernous room felt too big for the two of us. I wanted the room to hug him, to still his twitching muscles, since I couldn't. But the walls remained far spread and the ceilings high, everything leaving plenty of space for words that wouldn't come. Hanschen released my hand and started to get changed into dry clothes. When he went to tug his shorts down he looked at me as if chastising me for an obvious crime.

"Turn around!" I snorted as I turned to stare at the opposite wall. Now of all times he was going to be bashful? I am not the one who was kissing a boy just a few minutes before… "Don't turn around yet…" I listened as he quickly rustled around with his clothes. "Ok…" I turned back and he was sitting quietly on the edge of his bed staring at nothing. The laughter I had in my throat died and dried like autumn leaves.

"Hanschen…" he wouldn't look up. " Hanschen please look at me…" he glanced up tiredly and even though he was looking into my eyes our gazes never met. "Want to tell me what happened exactly?"

"no." he looked away again and I sat next to him feeling the bed groan in protest under the weight of my conscience and his hardship combined.

"I meant about your hair…" it was a lie, but a lie to break the ice. Hanschen's neck was stiff. His jaw was still clenched and I could feel his energy faltering. Tentatively I reached out and started rubbing the sinewy muscles. At first he shrugged away from the touch but like a worn dog he relented and relaxed into my fingers.

"It's mine. They can't take it from me." His eyes were half shut and carefully he shifted closer as I rubbed a little harder. "They take everything. They are not taking my hair." I still didn't understand as he ran his fingers through the golden locks for the millionth time.

"It's just hair… and they can take it from you. You were right about one thing. They take everything from you." I stopped rubbing and riffled through my drawer nearby. After finding the old Swiss army knife I had smuggled in I went back to sitting next to him. He hadn't lifted his head and sighed every other breath. "Hanschen… I have to cut it…"

"Please don't…" it was a pitiful whine. A defeated child begging for mercy.

"If I don't the warden will… I will do my best to make it look presentable. I promise." His body shuddered. "Hanschen…"

"Just do it." he slipped to the floor and knelt quietly at my feet his halo of golden fluttering down with him like a birds broken wings. Trembling fingers unlatched the rusted scissors that would act as executioners.

I had never cut hair before but I figured it couldn't be all that hard. Besides it had to be short. Carefully I took some between my fingers and it reminded of the corn silk I would yank wildly for mama during the summer. Quickly before nostalgia could make me its prisoner I cut it off.

"Wait!" Hanschen jerked and the scissors nipped his ear and a small amount of blood bubbled up.

"Hanschen sit still! I nearly cut your damn ear off!" carefully I pinched at the cut and held tightly.

"Be careful…" his voice was raspy and his ears were red and I had to swallow back a sharp reply.

"Ok… I am being careful… but it will look terrible if you keep moving around like that. Not to mention you might be short an ear…" his shoulders moved a little and I pretended it was with laughter. He hadn't laughed in so long…

I returned to the task of snipping away what was left of the old Hanschen. Piece by piece it fell to the floor and landed like a heavy burden on his shoulders. It really was a shame to have to cut it off. His blonde hair had always been unique amongst the brunettes and red heads of the town and the black and brown mops of the reformatory. A breath of fresh air that I was slowly realizing I would miss.

"Hanschen..."

"What?" it was a short and focused reply as if he was fending off an attacker.

"Calm down… I just was curious if you remembered when you beat me on that algebra test…" silence hung in the air for a long while before his shoulders picked up a little.

"I do…"

"Do you remember what you said to me?" a noise got caught in his throat as a few more pieces got cut away.

"You failed… because the test was a trick… all of them had no solution. I told you some things just don't add up."

"Yeah… some things just don't add up…" I waited to let the words sink in and for once I felt like I almost had his attention. His head shifted sideways as if he was going to look at me but I gently held it forward. Hair cutting was turning into a more difficult task than I had expected and talking while doing it made it harder. The lines were a little crooked but no more crooked than my own butchered curls. "You don't add up…" this sparked Hanschen like I hoped it would. He turned his head sharply round almost losing another ear.

"What are you trying to get at Gabor?" firmly I moved his head forward so he couldn't see the plan in my eyes.

"I am not getting at anything… I just have been thinking about you"

"Why the hell would you be thinking about me?"

"Let me finish. I have been thinking about you and I find you to be like those problems… in the test I had done algebraic madness and work to find a solution that wasn't there. You have a bible under your pillow. Ernst's bible. You refuse to talk to me or let me help you but as you and I both know a Rilow accepts help from no one so that makes sense. You … and Reinhold…" he yanked himself from the firm grip I had had on his shoulder keeping him still just as the last clip was made.

"Where are we now? Classes? I will go." before I could stop him he stood up to scramble away from me like he had so many times before. When ever he would do something like this I always could here Moritz broken and cracking voice shouting out an " I have to go". My body wrenched itself free from my frozen heart and I went to grab his hand but watched in rigid horror as his blue eyes rolled up into his head and he fell against me. Everything seemed to go in slow motion as I tossed the scissors away so we wouldn't both land on them as his barely present frame pushed me down onto the bed.

I held onto him tightly as he quickly came to. He tried to push me away but I held tighter.

"Stop it. you just fainted you idiot." As I held onto him I felt his ribs bite my arms like a starving animal. "You need to eat." He struggled but it was a feeble butterfly's struggle.

"Just… let me go…"

"I can't" he tried to kick me but was so winded he had to catch his breath. His heaves turned into sobs and the battle shifted into one against his own tears. He battled valiantly but the tears began to win.

"Just let me go. Let me go. Let me go let me go let me go please…" air wouldn't leave my lungs and filled me trying to make me feel bigger since he was so small.

"No. not until you tell me what happened … why you are here." He didn't move anymore and I thought he fainted again but very slowly he buried his head in my chest. He spoke only to the buttons on my shirt making them his audience.

"He told me they were coming…. I couldn't listen for three damn seconds… he had heard them." I waited to feel the damp circles seep like probing fingers into my shirt but they never came.

"Ernst?" his head moved millimeter up then a millimeter down.

"You… will get a kick out of this Gabor… we were in church…" I tried to follow with out pressing as his body grew limper and limper. His fingers curled tightly into the white cotton and I felt his nails through the thin fabric. The gentle scratch made my stomach twist and I held back words as I tried to wiggle out from under him. "Don't move please." I froze obediently under him not sure why I listened so quickly. He wouldn't be able to stop me even if he was well fed and emotionally stable.

"I… want to be able to hear you…" he sighed and with about as much strength that he had left he turned his head to the side and rested his ear against my chest.

"Ernst had had to go in and sweep the church. Well he didn't have to but his stupid pious little heart desired to. I was at the point where I found his silly little requests hard to deny. But… that didn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to have fun right?"

"Right." I knew it was rhetorical and felt like a fool for answering but I wanted him to know I was listening and my nerves made my heart twitch and my tongue quick to speak.

"He was done playing made for the old man and those long pews… why did they ever make them long enough to lay in? I wonder how many babies have been conceived under the damn eaves of the church."

"Hanschen…" he was getting off topic and I could feel his lips turn up in a sort of self satisfied smile.

"Hanging on my every word Melchior? Listening instead of making up your own stupid little stories? Well let me tell this at my own pace. I assure you that you won't be disappointed. Now where was I…?"

"The pews..."

"Ah yes the pews. They are oak. There is a curve to fit the old mother hens' bottoms and Ernst's back fit just right. Do you know what pews look like Gabor? I figure it has been too long for you to properly remember. Is it a rule for atheists to forget what the inside of a church looks like?"

He was playing games with me but I had never heard him speak so much. I had to keep him going … I was so close to a solution.

"Oh it is… but I have read books. I know what pews are." He didn't laugh at my weak attempt at comedy and I worried I had lost him again. But I felt him take a deep breath as I breathed in from holding my breath.

"The light itself was stained glass… not just the windows. It was a very pretty sight in all honesty. Churches are very pretty. At least the little town ones. Not the great hulking one's where old women go to mourn their stupid husbands. The sun was setting outside and set Ernst's pale skin on fire with the reds and blues and greens of the crucifixion. It was pretty Melchior…I am sure a poet like you could appreciate the image." he waited and held his ear against my chest tightly as if my heart beat would give something away. I scratched at my mind's eye trying to alleviate it of the amazingly beautiful image of Ernst and Hanschen… it stuck like burrs and I whimpered in tired frustration at why the picture agitated me so. He frowned

"I didn't love him. I don't love him but I guess I was starting to get close… so it was for the best…" he was convincing himself but it was a blatant lie. His fingers rioted against the lie as they twisted deeper into my shirt. He was in pain. "If I was in love with him I would have listened… I would have stopped and listened. 'Do you hear that Hansy… it…' he gasped then… I had ripped his buttons off for the third time that week…" Hanschen pulled at my shirt kneading it between his fingers. "He was placated for a moment of two and I was winning as usual but he tried to sit up 'I swear that was foot steps… someone is coming…' do you know what I said to him… do you know what I asked him?" Hanschen was shouting and shaking and I was waiting for him to jump off the cliff of tears but he clung to the edge. He was not making comforting him easy and my own heart was aching.

"What did you say to him?"

"Church mice… I told him it was church mice and I made fun of him and told him that he would be the only boy on this earth afraid of church mice scurrying. I called him a boy and I laughed and I pressed a hand to his mouth and went back to work." His slight frame had fallen still and the room had taken on the described church's silence. "I laughed when he screamed against my hand… I thought it was me… I thought I was just that damn good. But then the gnarly hand of the priest yanked me off him."

"Hanschen…"

"Let me finish."

"Sorry..."

"Before I knew it the town was on fire and every rumor flung with mercury's winged feet from house to house. I almost laughed when Ernst's mother started to cry. She called me monster and fiend and abomination but what she didn't know was her sweet innocent naïve little baby wanted it just as badly as I did. His father knew it. He didn't say a word and just eyed the two of us like an unpleasant inevitability. And the pastor preached hellfire and brimstone and quoted the bible spitting old words in our faces. And through all of this… every word of condemnation he held to my sleeve. He clung to it and whispered tearfully in my ear begging me to save him and to tell him what to do. He said I was the smart one and the brave one and the strong one and he knew I would save him and help him and make everything better."

"You are smart…" I needed him to stop. It was too much all at once and I felt a strong unrelenting urge to make him feel better in anyway possible. "You saved him … he is not here…" he laughed softly from miles away.

"You didn't hear the best part yet. My father refused to come to the meeting. My mother was there and sniffed like an old dissatisfied goat. She offered military school. She offered money. She offered to send me to an old uncle's. Never once did she defend me. They all shook their heads as if they could read one another's mind. It was clear to them that I was a bad seed intoxicating the young boys at their most vulnerable time. They told me Ernst and I had to be removed before we could get to anyone else…" he sighed letting every bit of frustration out into the now sweaty and damp cotton of my shirt knowing it would receive it well.

"If they wanted both you and Ernst gone… why are you the only one here?"

"All in good time… I told them it was my fault. Then and there I told them that Ernst had nothing to do with it. I … forced myself on him… I suppose it was for the most part true…"

"No…" it probably was true but I couldn't listen anymore… selflessness like that meant love. He was very much in love with Ernst… or was… I couldn't quiet my mind but like a train running on smoke Hanschen pressed on.

"They nodded gravely like people at a funeral and Ernst kicked and screamed and cried as his father pealed him away from me. Mother dragged me home by my collar, an over dramatic action being as I would have followed willingly. She sat me down outside my father's office and told me to wait until he called me. And he did." Unconsciously my hand had taken to rubbing his back. It was to keep him going and to make him stop and to calm him down and to make him feel. He was so far away in his own mind that with each gently circle I felt like I was trying to real in a giant and reluctant fish. I just wanted him to be closer. To be alive and alright.

"He said to me, after looking over his fancy mahogany desk for a good ten minutes, 'you couldn't have waited?'" Hanschen lowered his slightly higher voice and imitated Herr Rilow to a t and I couldn't help but shiver at the dim memory of the imposing man. "'You and I both know… what you are… but you couldn't have waited? A year or two before you were out of this damn town to embarrass me? I have a meeting tomorrow! What am I going to say to my associates… that my son is not a man and only half a boy?' the best I could say was how did you know dad? You see I was stupid. I thought my father couldn't tell. I thought I had managed to fool the world. He laughed in my face 'just look at yourself! Reading books and writing words instead of playing sports. Fiddling away on that violin of yours instead of showing interest in that neighbor girl. Your hair…' he scoffed in disgust and eyed me in the way a father eyes a complete and total disappointment. 'You are just like me. That's how I know. But unlike you I am smart and kicked the… habit … before I did anything stupid and I married your mother as quick as I could."

"You mean he…"

"Yes. He had boys when he was young. But… he was smart. This place was his idea. He sent me away because he was mad I was stupid and couldn't be the right image… not because… not because of Ernst." As if closing a story book Hanschen turned his face back into my chest and sighed softly on every breath. So that was his story… I couldn't help but think that I preferred the one where he killed a man.

Like a fool I struggled and fumbled in my mind to find something to say.

"Hanschen are you hungry?" that was not what I meant to say nor what I wanted to ask but it was a logical question. I waited for a reply and finally he nodded into my chest. "Good…" he made no effort to get off of me and I wondered with mild concern whether he could or not but I also realized with more than mild concern that I had not removed myself from under him.

_What are you doing Melchie…just get out from under him run to the cafeteria get him food and he will be right in your bed._ I knew it wasn't true. Even if he was still in my bed when I returned once he had the energy to run away he would. But for right now at this instant he wasn't fighting me. He was most likely asleep against my chest and I could protect him.

_Protect him… I want to protect him. I have failed so many of these kids. Wendla…he is a forsaken lover…Moritz…a boy you just couldn't make stay. I can redeem them both in him if I can just hold onto him. _

I chided myself knowing holding him would not get food into him. Placing the little sparrow in my nest of sheets I slipped out from under him. He mumbled a few almost annoyed complaints to my sheets. I couldn't help but laugh. Even when he was hardly conscious he could still find something to complain about.

With a final look back to make sure his chest was still rising and falling I ducked through the door. It was about lunch time so headed straight towards the cafeteria hoping to avoid the warden. I had neglected to go to class all morning and I knew he would not be pleased and even less pleased when he found out I let Hanschen back in. Luck was with me. The swinging cafeteria door kicked out just as the last boy filed in and I tagged myself onto the back of the line like a forgotten tail. While enduring my stay in this place I had gotten wonderful talented at turning invisible. I missed rocking the boat and causing a scene but if you rock the boat here you get solitary confinement or worse. No, its much better, I found to stay invisible.

The lines always move quickly. The workers reach into vats large enough to cook any one of the boys and pull out a mysterious grey viscous liquid with some sort of chunk of meat floating in the middle. It would become a bit more tolerable once you dipped the stale hunk of bread in it but it was a far cry from the farm fresh eggs and apples I would find from mama everyday.

I managed to get two bowls and swifted like a transparent wind through the crowd. I paused for a moment in the busiest center of the room just to see if anyone noticed me standing there. No one did. They hovered a foot or so away bee lining around me all trapped within being trapped by these walls. This was a place to be forgotten and become invisible. That's what they all wanted, for the trouble to vanish. So far it was successful.

"There you are!" Once again a hand was dragging me back towards a slightly partitioned off room. "What did you do with him?" I held my breath thinking for a moment it was the warden but I gasped softly in surprise as Reinhold spun me to face him. I guess you were invisible as long as someone was not looking for you.

"Why do you care?" I broke free from his grip. This was unusual. Reinhold was not the type to attack alone. He needed back up or better yet someone to fight for him. He grabbed at me again and missed.

"Because he is mine. I own him. I don't like you hanging around him."

"Worried he might like me better than the guy who rapes him every night?" Reinhold was smart but I was hoping I could goad him into leaving me alone and I could get back to Hanschen.

"I don't share. Besides he wants it. He begs for it…" He was getting angrier by the second and his wiry muscles shifted like a twitching horse.

"Now, now, Reinhold I thought your mother would have taught you better, oh wait she was too drunk to teach you anything!" it was a low blow but I couldn't stand hearing Reinhold talk about him like that. Reinhold sputtered like a car back firing before kicking into gear and charging me against the wall. The wind was knocked harshly from my lungs and I felt them collapse against his formidable force.

"What philosopher? No clever reply to this? The real riddle is why you care so much. New kids have come in and out this whole time. What makes this one special?" I still couldn't breathe but I wouldn't have been able to properly answer anyway. Reinhold eased off just enough to let my rake in a breath.

"Why are you trying so hard… yourself… there… have been… others…" Reinhold had never had a shortage of victims. And he never attacked the ones who took them away. When he was bored he would just stop seeing them and let them get swept up by someone lower on the food chain. I glanced up at him waiting for an answer while I struggled under his hold. His dark eyes twisted searching my face a determined grimace on his face. Oh. "You… like him." He howled angrily and shoved me to the floor. I let him. This was how these brutes dealt with emotions they didn't understand. He kicked me swiftly in the chest. He grabbed the back of my shirt and hoisted me to my feet. I smirked as I felt his frame shake. I had hit the nail on the head.

"Don't look so smug." With careful precision Reinhold leaned in towards my ear and I felt his hot breath slip like a damp hand on my ear. "You like him too. A lot. But the difference between you and me is I get to have him. When ever I damn well please. Because I take him. And no one, no one at all, will take him from me. He is mine." He let me go and strode off back to his normal posse of idiots and misfits. I grabbed what was left of the food and started bolting towards the dorms again all while getting lost in thought.

_I don't like him. That's…insane. I just want to protect him. I care for him. It could easily be mistaken for … liking... Reinhold was just trying to get a rise out of me. Yeah, that's it… he was just using my own tricks against me. He was mad because I figured him out… _

I didn't have time to entertain the thought of liking Hanschen. It would be a waste of time because I already knew it was not true.

_We are opposites. He is cocky and stupid and … blonde… and infuriating and stubborn and … he has better abs… I mean he is better defined than I am. That's a valid point… he is obsessed with appearances and most importantly he likes boys and I don't. Even if I wanted to experiment I would have done it by now. Not like I didn't have chances… why would I start with Hanschen of all people. Sure he is good looking , no he is not good looking, he is handsome I guess if one were to be into blue eyes and blonde hair and a strong chin and gently cheek bones… damn it. stop. _

Hanschen was still lying in my bed and when I saw him my mind quieted. It didn't matter at the moment what inane lies Reinhold told. I had to get Hanschen better.

"Hey… wake up Hanschen. I got you something to eat."

"Go to hell…"

"Maybe after you eat something."

"I am not hungry."

"Liar. You told me you were before."

"Maybe I was lying then. Ever think of that philosopher?"

"Shut up and eat pretty boy." He was ridiculous but he was not strong enough to resist when I helped sit him up. In mild confusion I realized his shirt was off and balled up on the floor. "Hanschen why is your shirt off?" he mumbled something about being hot and I quickly pressed a hand to his head to check for a fever. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had influenza but his forehead felt fine and I just eyed his bare chest in utter confusion.

"Thanks mom..." my heart trilled. He was teasing… he was being normal. I scooped up some of the putrid and now cold swill and held it to his mouth. He smacked the spoon away. "I can feed myself." I silently celebrated the return of his insufferable pride. I watched patiently as he took the first bite of food and gagged.

"You get used to it…" he pushed the bowl away.

"I don't want to. I am done."

"No you are not. Unless you would like to faint again and tell someone else you life story." He grumbled and took another laborious bite. A silence fell like a blanket around us. I wanted him to keep talking. I loved it when he talked because it meant he didn't hate me at that moment. "You… are handling everything rather well."

He chewed a chunk of something with obvious distaste and took his time before swallowing.

"I am fine." I sighed. He was lying again. Gently I lifted his chin up so he would look at me. He breathed in sharply and bit his lip.

"Don't worry I am not going to hurt you… I just want to see your eyes. Now tell me you are fine again." He went to speak while looking into my eyes but naturally they fell to focus on a spot somewhere below my lips and above my chest.

"I am fine…"

"Can I talk to you about Reinhold for a second…?"

"No you may not." He shifted away from me and with out thinking I grabbed him and pulled him closer. Any time I touched him I had to do it without thinking other wise reason would get in the way. I held him tightly in my arms and he only struggled slightly. "What are you doing Gabor? Let me go."

"You have told me to do that a million times and never once meant it. You are a terrible liar and its time you learned that you are. I am telling you right now that Reinhold is not a nice guy and he is going to hurt you. I know… it bad… with your break up with Ernst but you don't want to rebound with him… he doesn't like you." Hanschen scoffed sharply and slipped out of my arms.

"God for such a smart kid you are a complete idiot." He huffed and grabbed the extra bowl of soup and went to his bed alone to eat. His not finding me completely deplorable was short lived and I stretched out on my bed exhausted from all the ruckus and noise going on my heart and mind. I closed my eyes and my mind to everything that was Hanschen and did my best to sleep.

I woke up an hour later to a gentle tug on my sleeve.

"Go away… you hate me remember?" I rolled over and tried to ignore the persistent pull of the hand.

"Melchior please wake up… I don't feel good…" I cracked an eye open and Hanschen was pale and shaking. I bolted up feeling the hot poker of worry at my heart. I sat him down and felt his head. It was clammy and starting to get warm. He can't get sick. If he gets sick he could die. It has happened before… "It was that damn food you gave me. It was poisonous." I was in no mood for his spitefulness.

"Oh of course. It has absolutely nothing to do with you not eating and weakening you immune system and then standing out in the rain kissing boys! Who knows what Ernst could have had?" I took my shirt off and ran to the wash basin dipping it into the room temperature water. Hanschen had curled into my bed and I put the damp snake against his forehead. He shivered and I laid myself firmly next to him holding him to keep him from trembling too much. "Hanschen this is bad…" my heart ached painfully and I was overwhelmed by the sense of … caring… I had for him.

"I know… I just need to sleep it off. It's just a little cold." I closed my eyes and tried to believe him. "Uh oh…" Hanschen rolled away from me.

"Where are you going I wasn't finished taking care of you!" I went follow him but I froze. Reinhold glared at the two of us but mostly at me.

"You just don't learn philosopher. Well if I can't scare you off… I have other methods." He grabbed Hanschen by his belt and dragged him out of the room. As quickly as I could I ran after them but instead of meeting Reinhold I met the warden.

"Done playing hooky Gabor? Well good. Now you will be wide awake for your beating." He dragged me down the opposite hallway and I watched painfully as Reinhold dragged Hanschen in the other direction. My last glimpse was of Reinhold pulling Hanschen into the nurse's office.

_He… is taking care of him? That's my job. But… at least he will be ok._

The warden tossed me easily into his office and set to the sadistic task of working me over. He laughed a few times when I yelped where he hit a tender spot. Two hours passed and a million hits later. The warden paused in his relentless task to eat a sandwich.

"You know boy, this behavior is awfully unlike you. Actually you have been a model student."

"You mean prisoner sir." I spit blood onto his carpet and he kicked me again.

"So what's gotten into you? Is it that boy? The blonde one? Because he can be removed if he is the issue. Just hammered out." He finished his food and brushed the crumbs down onto me like a shower of miniscule asteroids.

"May I go now sir?" he was not satisfied but he knew if he hit me anymore I wouldn't be able to go to classes the next day.

"Straight to bed. It is past curfew. Sweet dreams Gabor." He laughed at his own false sense of caring and I wobbled to my feet. Everything hurt. More than I had hurt in a long time. But I had a fire driving me to return Hanschen.

The hallways were barren and quiet and the moon gave them life with odd throngs of shadows. The shadows moved and shifted with my thoughts spurring me into a frenzied panic. Something was wrong.

I pressed the door open into the black mouth of the dormitories. The dank black air bit back at me but I pressed inside. Just above Hanschen's bed was the only window spilling what little light available into the room. Oddly the window was open and the breeze did what we could not and slipped through the bars.

I heard the sound of what I thought was small mice feet scampering about but as I fought for the privilege of sight I saw papers swirl in mass around the room. Someone was chasing after them and grabbing them. It was almost beautiful. Like an odd sort of waltz between the boy in the wind but soon the dance was broken by sobs as he fell to the floor. Damn… it was Hanschen… of course.

I went as quickly as my broken body would allow and knelt by his side. He held page upon page to his face as he heaved and rocked and floated on some distant wave of misery.

"Hanschen…"

"He ripped it up because of you. He tore every page out. He left me in the nurse's office and went back and tore every page out. I can't find them all…" I grabbed at a stray page that kissed my cheek in the wind. It was Ernst's bible. "I didn't want to give him up yet… I wanted this… it was mine. He said if I kept seeing you there would be worse." I was drowning in guilt but still he was the one clinging to me for support.

"Hanschen I am so sorry… we can fix it… I will help you." I began picking up the hundreds of sheets but every few moments a breeze would come through and scatter them all around again. Every few minutes something would come and destroy every effort I made to make him feel better.

It was midnight before all the pages were safely tucked away into his trunk. He cried for a little while longer and I had to get into bed. I could hardly stand and I was afraid of hurting him more.

I listened to his voice in the darkness as he mumbled heart broken words to no one in particular. Finally he grew quiet. I sighed when suddenly there was a firm pressure at my bed.

"Hanschen… what are you…"

"Please… not a word…" he pressed himself on top of me and my heart turned inside out. I couldn't keep up with the insane race between my body, his body, my mind, and my heart. I hurt and I ached and I longed. His feverish lips pressed tiredly to my neck and I gasped weakly.

_ This is just for tonight… he needs someone… he is vulnerable…it would be cruel if I took that away too. This is the decent thing to do for a friend. I don't like him. _

I let his hands trace circles on my chest and he kissed me tiredly from time to time. Every so often he would hit a bruise and I would gasp and he would back off until finally I was gasping more from his lips than from the pain. And finally he curled against my chest and fell asleep.

_One night… it will be fine in the morning. And at least he doesn't hate me… we probably both won't even remember... in the morning… _

I held my breath until I fell asleep; praying all the while that morning would forget itself and never come.

so there it is. i am going to be away for two weeks but hopefully now that summer is here i can update more. ps i don't know if i want to do a chapter from reinhold's perspective... let me know what you think.


	8. Yes Sir

_so I am back from the dead and I hope to finish this fic in a timely manner. thank you for your patience and support. I hope this is worth the wait._

_Damn it all to hell… _he looked beautiful under me. Every boy always looks beautiful under me. I happen to be the perfect accent to any form of masculinity, but it was all wrong. He almost looked happy and peaceful in his slumber. I suppose ignorance is bliss, but who would have thought Gabor to be ignorant.

My stomach roiled as the distant church bell tolled three in the morning. What had once brought a sense of peace now only spurred within my chest a panic. The warden would be coming any minute to check on the boys and here I was tangled in Gabor's bed sheets. How embarrassing.

I felt my famished muscles protest against the effort of removing myself and my instinctual desire fought even more. Man is nothing more than hormones and instincts, a caveman in a suit. I was above all that primitive nonsense. I worked my way out of his arms, which had managed to find their way around my waist and back into my bed just in time as the heavy door groaned open. His familiar footsteps thudded against the frigid linoleum and rang heavy in my tired ears. His yellow eyed lantern glared out into the faces of a few boys causing them to mutter profanities and roll over.

He glanced over Reinhold with ease. I swallowed a laugh at his simple perceptions of all of us. He hitched on Gabor and examined with a sick pride his many marks of dominance, he paused for a particularly long time on a purple bruise on his neck and I had to swallow a self-satisfied chuckle. Half-starved and half broken and still I can manage a proper sign of my work. I slammed my eyes shut as the light turned its attention back to me.

"You have a lot of… friends... don't you? Having a grand old time aren't you? Just remember our little talk…" despite my pretense of sleep my body shuddered only shooting his cold laughter like ice water through my veins. "Good. You are scared. Stay that way."

The little warmth I had gained from the tepid light flitted away as his footsteps resounded off the vaulted ceilings. Church ceilings. God I hate churches. As the door shouted out a thud across the room I sat up taking stock of every new bit of my body. Two hands still, an ear with a cut, _thanks Gabor… _

I still have my feet, although they are sore, I have my heart beat, even if it is weak… I have my tongue and my head and my thoughts. I have some pages… all I hope… safe in my chest. _God that could almost be sentimental… chest… heart …trunk… Gabor is getting into my head. _ My eyes twitched over to his body. He was a burrowed under his thin blanket and I could see the lumps where he had been hit like a miniature mountain range running all over him. We hurt each other…

"Take a picture. It will last longer." The reedy voice of Reinhold was piercing in the silence even though he barely spoke above a whisper. "You owe me an apology little boy."

"I don't owe you anything…" something about his demanding ways frightened me and excited me all at once. Defying him was a thrill and a challenge and would only lead me into more trouble. Like a cat he slunk into my bed causing the springs to creak against the deadening silence. My hand shot out to soften his motions as Melchior mumbled a few sleep drunk words. He smiled twistedly at my palm on his knee.

"Good boy. But you have a lot more to do if I am to forgive you. But hell, it is a start." He slipped on top of me, a thunder cloud heavy on dry summer grass. "Wouldn't want you getting rusty now would we?"

"Why did you rip up my book?" his lips broke from my neck to let a laugh free loose into the night air. He had a pretty laugh. It was light and he honestly found amusement in what he was laughing at, although very often the amusement was at my expense.

"I didn't rip up your book. Hellmuth did. I didn't do it." He pulled my shirt away in his usual fashion biting at my neck hungrily as if the words only stoked his insatiable fire.

"Then you it seems you owe me an apology. That was mine… it was…"

"What? Special? A little token of some flighty little boy who is still jammed up in your heart? God pretty boy you can be so damn sentimental." He slipped my pants off not even needing to fumble with the tie thanks to my loss of weight. The motions no longer frightened me nor did they make me feel. But the words drove me wild. Right up the wall.

"I. am. Not. Sentimental. It was… from my mother…." I hated when he was right. When he knew more than I did about myself. I couldn't pin him down as a low life but I couldn't see him as a friend either.

"It's funny to listen to you lie. You always pause. Right before you get to the part that isn't true. Never play cards with the boys. The will eat you alive. That's my job." He laughed again and bit lightly at my ear. At least he was being gentle tonight. He was being chatty… oddly out of character for him.

"You don't talk to me usually… something has happened." He bit down hard on my neck and then kissed it as if to make up for the roughness.

"Maybe you are not as stupid as I thought. You are to stay with me tomorrow. All day. You don't leave my side. Do you understand?" his tone of voice shifted almost as if to leave some option in the matter. I nodded dumbly into his chest noticing with an odd curiosity that his heart was pressing out his chest with a mad urgency. "Good. Now… get out of my sight"

"You are in my bed…" he elbowed me sharply; angry with my impertinence, but none the less slipped from my sheets and slunk back over to his bed. The church bells clanged four in the morning rocking me again. So peaceful… every demon that usually visited me had already passed now and I was left with my body and my thoughts which were almost as loud as the cracking of the dawn through the bars on the window.

_How could I have crawled into Gabor's bed and….god damn it… I was delirious. That was it. Out of my mind from fever. _I reached up to my forehead and felt with a languid distaste that it was the proper temperature. Things were fiddled together into a knot that sat somewhere in my throat, caught between my heart and mind.

I had to get out of here. I knew that now. I couldn't wait out my three year sentence in amiable invisibility like I had hoped. The walls pushed heavy on my thoughts and eyelids and before I could hatch a plan I was consumed with sleep.

Morning came to pry my eyes open and the now familiar regiment started back into cyclical life. It was a comfort to know that even in a place like this a schedule was valued. Clothes were switched for day uniforms, boys milled around and the warden shouted until everyone went into the cafeteria. The food was the same and I was learning how to slip between the burlier boys without being noticed. I missed the way my hair would stroke my ears when I would ghost past them but I could cope with this as well.

I could cope with anything. I could adapt to Reinhold. I could adapt to the warden's death threats and I could adapt to life without Ernst and I could cope with fences. All of these trivial distractions were just bumps along the way to the final goal… freedom. My thoughts were interrupted as the man behind the counter cleared his throat like a guttering whale and then slopped a torrent of miscellaneous goo down onto my plate.

"Thank you." He needed some form of manners shown to him or he would go on behaving like a cretin for the rest of his days. I couldn't for the life of me understand why most of the people working at the reformatory needed more reforming than the prisoners themselves. I swallowed my thoughts as a trey jutted into my back forcing me along the line until I was expelled back out into the throng of shifting young men.

I scanned the room with my newly trained eye picking out anything that might resemble danger. A gambling game was being played in the back corner and one of the boys was cheating… one of the younger inmates was acting as a runner for the older boys, the poor thing degraded to a mule for nicotine starved children… and finally Hellmuth's gang cavorting over their daily slop. A seat was left next to Reinhold and his brief glance in my direction dragged me down to sit in it. He patted my knee in the same manner as one praises a dog that has refrained from chewing on a sofa leg. A heavy silence fell over the table and I sense I had tilted the carefully crafted balance of their group off kilter.

A few confused glances ran over me and I felt them weigh and measure me. After a few more moments of their eyes probing like fingers I melded back into the background. I felt this was a common occurrence as the others fell back into their old habits of cackling and teasing. Even Reinhold's hand had sent itself back to work shoveling food down and leaving my knee to face the elements.

"Can I sit here?" once again silence shattered the table as Melchior gazed down from his tray. Asking had been a formality as he force his way between two very large goons and sat across from me. Reinhold's bubbling hatred ruptured the confused silence and hissed out between his teeth.

"What are you playing at? Your seat is over there and since when do you step off you pedestal to associate with us?" Melchior continued eating ignoring the whispers and Reinhold's glare.

"Eat Hanschen." The command made me jump as Melchior's eyes met mine. He was the thickest person on the face of the planet. Here he was sitting at a table with a bunch of boys who wouldn't bat an eyelash over beating him to death and he is worrying about me eating. "You don't want to get sick do you?"

Each word he whispered seemed to be just for me and they forced themselves down my throat forming a substantial knot. Hellmuth had squirmed to Melchior's side smiling and showing off a chipped tooth like a badge of honor.

"So you finally came around and decided to join our little gang, eh? You are finally acting as smart as everyone thinks you are. We can give you the best protection, the best cigarettes, the best of everything…" Melchior nodded quietly not taking his eyes off of me and I couldn't stand the weight of their probing fingers. "You know philosopher we have been trying to get you for a very long time… what made you come around?" Melchior shrugged and smirked quietly and I couldn't help but smile back softly. It was the familiar smirk from our school days when he had some horribly annoying point to prove to the teacher. He knew he was right about something and he would not stop until everyone bowed in his wake.

"I don't want him here Hellmuth. He doesn't actually want to be part of our group. Besides he is a terrible fighter and selfish as hell." Reinhold's hand had found its way back to my knee and his nails had begun burrowing into my flesh, ensnaring themselves deeper with each smirk and shrug Melchior put out. "He is just playing one of his stupid little mind games."

Hellmuth ignored Reinhold as he leaned closer to Melchior's ear. "Now all you have to do is go through initiation…" the crew squirmed at this and eyes flickered with the memory of old ghosts come back to haunt them. Melchior's eyes never left mine as Hellmuth whispered some horrendous act in his ear. He really was being an idiot. It was obvious he was just doing this to get to me…stupid self-righteous boy.

Finally a bell rang signaling the end of lunch. I crammed two more mouthfuls of the unrecognizable slop down my throat hoping it would be enough to keep my stomach quiet during classes. Melchior stood as if his seat was electrified and he made a grab for my arm but Reinhold was quicker and dragged me along by the shirt collar.

"Stay away from him. Don't look at him. Don't talk to him. Don't even breathe in his direction. You are mine." Reinhold accented the imperativeness of each command with a harsh tug at my shirt.

"Yes master…" the food must have fuelled my sarcasm because it slipped out between my teeth before I could even register what I had said. Sadly or luckily it fell on deaf ears.

"Mmm… I like that…" my stomach twisted in disgust or revolt against the food, I couldn't be entirely sure. His hand slipped around mine much the way a constrictor chokes a mouse to death, possessive and final.

The classroom was bare of the posters that had decked our small one room school house back at home. Quippy little remarks about how hard work brings success and the occasional basic rule that had illustrated the walls gave way to a sour milk color that seemed to be the favorite hue of whoever designed this wretched place. Reinhold sat me down in the front row far right corner then sat directly behind me. He could watch every single move I made and I knew he would. Melchior shuffled in trying to shrug away the arm Hellmuth had cast around him as if they had been old pals.

"Now be a good pretty boy and pay attention in class" Reinhold's words lacked the usual cruelty and undertone of death threats it usually had and I couldn't help but wonder if he actually cared about my education. Reinhold actually caring about anything was a farfetched idea and I hardened my heart explaining it away as another tactic for him to control me.

The old teacher meandered through the door picking fuzz off of his sweater. God how far he had fallen from the realms of academia. The plunge was almost dizzying to think about. As his mouth opened his lecture soon turned to a gentle lulling squabble, easily tuned out by persuasive day dreams.

I had been in here for too long. My resolution of escape was weakening in its constitution and I tried to rile back the Rilow spirit I knew I had in me… deep deep deep down in me. To my knowledge no one had ever escaped before besides Gabor. I stealthily dropped my pencil so I could sneak a glance back at him. As I reached I scanned the row of feet until I came to his recognizably scoffed boots. He always did drag his feet as a child and he never grew out of the bothersome habit. One foot bounced up and down like a jack rabbit while the other fiddled pressing itself down against the impenetrable linoleum. He was anxious and I laughed as I realized his nerves were probably over me.

Sitting back up I stared down at the blank sheet of paper I had in front of me. So many possibilities… the windows… the air vents… this place was as porous as a sponge but it was, in essence, a sponge locked in a cage. The barbed wire fence was almost too tall to climb and the barbs crowning it made it an even more daunting Everest. I closed my eyes and summoned the picture to my mind. Ever the good servant my mind brought the image to life, a goliath towering above me claiming my freedom as its own. Soon my pen scratched across the paper forcing the fence down onto the barren sheet. I knew even the fence sketched messily across the paper was stronger than me and it was only a millimeter thick. It taunted me as it slowly fledged into a sketch of the entire prison. I laughed dryly as I added a small boy entangled hopelessly behind the fence. Even in my doodles and fantasies I couldn't picture myself as a free man.

Another rude hand tugged me from my reverie and pulled me down the hall. Reinhold, obviously perturbed by my empty headedness pulled me outside. The rain that had bit at me the other day was gone leaving behind in its wake a muddy wonderland. The younger boys stomped and laid in it as if it were the first snow fall while the older boys used it to their advantage in wrestling matches. Above all the playing, Reinhold lead me to our own private corner. He laid down on a bench and stared at the sky expelling air through his nose with an angry hiss.

"Why do you like him? What has he done for you? Nothing. He gets you in trouble. That's all he is. Trouble. I am the one protecting you. You should like me. You should drop pencils so you can steal glances at me. Not him." The words synchronized with the angry hissing of each breath and he accosted the sky. This was the angriest I had ever seen him. He launched himself up abruptly and slammed his fist into the chain link fence. "Well what the hell do you have to say for yourself?"

If I hadn't already convinced him I was an idiot my blank stare confirmed it. I had no clue what he was talking about so how on earth was I supposed to supply an answer. Instead of stammering I sat next to him and enjoyed the swirling mud. I preferred being clean but as long as it was not touching me the bubbling brown almost looked pretty. It was better than the sour milk color of the walls at least.

"I don't like anyone." My heart jabbed at my ribs painfully. "I don't know how. The one person I ever liked … or thought I liked is dead to me now. I have no heart." Once again my heart backfired and burned at the walls of my chest. Reinhold sniffed quietly calming slightly.

"Good. Neither do I."

Recreation hour was passed in relative silence and Melchior had not graced us with his presence as he was being detained by a rather chatty Hellmuth. Poor boy joins the gang to try and rescue me and he doesn't even get to storm the castle. I shoved away the shiver that rocket up my spine at the image of Melchior clad in silver breaking down doors just to get to me. I didn't need to be rescued anyway. I was going to save myself.  
Reinhold lead me down another hall back to the familiar stainless steel doors of the shower. I knew my way but I couldn't warrant exerting extra energy so I let him lead me around. The door fell inwards to the inviting steam. The boys had acted like swine out in the mud and now they looked like swine too. The ever merciful warden allowed for an extra shower, if only to save him the trouble of having to clean every single hallway.

I jumped as a pair of hands tugged at my shirt. Reinhold was gently undoing each button with a focused and practiced hand. This was new… when it came to clothing removal Reinhold was the type to view it as a challenge to his strength and he would force his way through the weak cotton, but this time no buttons were lost, not even a popped stitch. His hand lowered and went for my pants but out of instinct I jerked away. I cringed waiting for the blow but it never came. When I opened my eyes I found Reinhold undressing himself and offering me a towel.

"Put it on." His voice was gruff and forced its way out from between his teeth. "I don't want other people looking." Stunned into obedience the towel found its way to my waist and I wrapped it securely around. When I was finally fully engulfed in the velvet steam I hung the towel on the wall and slipped under the coursing veil of water. Each drop singed my skin until it was a screaming pink from the heat. My entire body tingled and I waited with anticipation for Reinhold to pin me to the wall. It had, after all become his favorite custom. It never came. The shower walls blurred by as I once again was being lead around, past the silver door, back into my clothes, down the hall, into the lunch room, and finally to the seats.

I was still in shock. Never had Reinhold passed up an opportunity to take advantage of me. Somehow I almost felt unwanted. A lukewarm bowl of what was either watery chowder or very thick soup was placed in front of me and waited patiently for me to consume it but my appetite failed me as usual. My eyes were having trouble registering my surroundings do to the amount of nonsense my brain was trying to process so the spoon hovering in front of my mouth came as a surprise.

"Open." The command left no room for argument but also was almost slightly amused. "You are the only boy in the entire world who would refuse to eat. I don't care if it's slop I am sure you have put worse things in your mouth." An unfamiliar heat rose to my cheeks and I quietly took the food feeling like a helpless little sparrow. The spoon dipped down and rose to my face again ladled with the putrid slime. I had to think of a way to distract him so I opened my mouth but filled the void with words.

"I don't do that sort of thing… I was brought up right. A Rilow is never on his knees and he never eats less than the finest food." My words withered back into my throat as he laughed and scooted closer. He had chosen a table away from the gang, in fact I recognized it as Melchior's table as my fingers trailed over the grooves deeply etched into the wood. His free hand hovered to the tender spot on my lower back and he rubbed gently.

"Who the hell do you think you are here kid? Some sort of prince? You are not even top of the food chain here. And you are no longer a Lilow or whatever it is you said. You are a pretty boy and that's about it. Your biggest wealth is in sex and you have already spent that. You bought me with it." His words fell like weights around my neck making my head sink lower and lower.

"And what are you worth?" he snorted and touched my hair lightly playing with the now short and mangled strands.

"I am worth my weight in gold. I offer you protection… sure Hellmuth may be the leader but he is not half as smart as I am and unlike that stupid philosopher I can fight and I am not afraid to fight. And don't forget… you want this just as much as I do…" collapsing like an old coliseum my throat crumbled.

"what do you…" it was meager and couldn't fend of the words that he now whispered directly in my ear as if he was afraid they would get lost on the way and alight in someone else's.

"I know the way you look at boys. It's not like us. We do this because we have to. We have needs that need to be filled and there I a painful shortage of female genitalia lying around. You like it… you like being told what to do and you like having someone force you into it because you hate yourself so much that you can't bring yourself to it. You love every night and you wait for me to touch you. You beg for it. I hear you in your sleep saying that boys name over and over. Ernst is a stupid name for a boy… pretty soon it will only be my name that you shout in the night. And you will be addicted to every syllable." The tiny grooves on the table were quickly filling as the tears slipped off my cheeks. His had had never left my lower back and it slipped lower toying with my waistband. I forced my eyes to look up and they fell on a pair of familiar brown eyes. Melchior was gazing from across the room his eyes seemed to hold mine trying to express some wordless apology.

The hand that had been exploring now slammed the back of my head downwards forcing me to stare back at the now cold food.

"He can't help you. He doesn't even want you. Besides he won't get past initiation. He is too damn proud." Reinhold forced another spoonful into my mouth before I could retort and I gagged down as best as I could. This process continued until finally the bowl was gone along with my dignity.

The rest of the day passed in audible silence the motions carrying through like a worn old film reel. Images spooled along colored an odd sort of yellow by the walls. Every so often bursts of sound and color would come through when Melchior fell into the shot but like a burning bulb Reinhold always pulled the camera back into focus. After eons of silence and numbness everyone stumbled exhausted back into the barracks. Hellmuth had not let Melchior out of his sights and Reinhold's leash was getting shorter and shorter as I cast more and more glances in his direction.

"Bed time pretty boy." He tossed me a sky blue night shirt. I knew this one was his favorite for me to wear. He never would wait as long to come to my bed when I was wearing it. Silently I slipped it over my head and wiggled under the covers hoping to get some sleep before he came knocking.

After the first night I had learned to detach and even try and give into my carnal pleasures. He was after all giving me what I had always desired. Ernst had always been so timid. I had often found myself wishing for someone who could make me feel wanted … who could make me feel powerless to their instincts and voracious desires. Funny how fate twists up on itself. I forced my eyes shut trying to ignore the pit forming in my stomach but they were forced open. I heard heavy booted whispers coming from Melchior's bed.

"You ready for initiation philosopher?" the laugh in Hellmuth's voice crawled out from somewhere deep within his gullet and made itself a pleasant home in my ears. "Strip down." Something deep inside me exploded as I listened, straining closer and closer waiting for Melchior to refuse.

"yes sir.." was the only reply…

ta dah! review pretty please? the next chapter will come that much quicker. peace and love!


	9. Kinder

Hello again everyone! This chapter cameo ut a lot sooner than the last one and i hope you didn't get too impatient. Thank you to my one reviewer! You got me writing again and I hope you keep reviewing. And to all of those who read and didn't review it takes two seconds so pretty please ? even if you hate it and want to tell me how I stink at writing. I hope you enjoy this newest installment

There are moments in a man's life when he is forced to pause and take a mental note of his surroundings and wonder how he got there. This was not one of those times. In fact at this moment very little thinking would probably be the only thing to save my remaining sanity. Hellmuth's hand made a quick sweep along my hip to verify that I had in fact stripped down.

"good… now which one did you pick?" he couldn't keep the glee out of his voice as soft padding noises echoed out his bouncing excitement. I want to spit in his eye, to knock out a few more teeth, but I couldn't. If I disobeyed him in anyway, or even showed the slightest hint of reluctance it could mean the difference between saving Hanschen and having the entire gang breaking every bone in my body.

"Raul." The name slipped out into the air and clattered against the ceiling making it sound like someone else had spoken the words. They were mine and mine alone. The image of the young boys pale freckled face sifted out from beneath scads of twisted images. The wide glass blue eyes and slim wine colored lips bore the weight of a child encrusted in a horrible situation.

"Who?" I hadn't expected him to know the boys real name. Hellmuth was growing impatient and wanted to cut to the chase. "No matter. How old is he?"

"Twelve." The age was what it really came down to. A bed coil squeaked like scales as Hellmuth measured out the number in his mind.

"A bit old… but I guess he will do. Now get to it." Two hands rocketed my shoulders in the direction of the younger boys' beds. The idea that this was not the first time these boys had been preyed upon knotted my insides into an unrecognizable ball. Images of Reinhold and Gaston tiptoeing up to their unexpecting victims stilled my padding feet. Nothing in the world could be worth destroying that kind of innocence… not even the thought of keeping Hanschen safe.

Me feet started up again and soon I was a foot from Raul's bed. I had been scanning the boys all day after Hellmuth had told me what initiation was. Some of the boys here were as young as ten and I couldn't fathom what crime they had committed to land themselves in this hell hole. Raul stood out amongst the bunch. He had no friends to speak of and kept to himself. He was teetering on the border between the young children, referred to as the kinder, and the older boys who ran the school like a prison. His solitary status meant he would have nobody to confide in when I was done and nobody would know what was about to go on.

Small gasps came from the bed bellow me and I took comfort in the sleeping boy's ignorance. The less he knew the easier this would be for everyone. Like a heavy cloud over pale moon I laid myself on top of him slamming my hand over his mouth.

"Don't scream ok? I am not going to hurt you…" a muffled scream bounced off my hand and back into his throat until it petered away into supplicating whimper. I was satisfied with the amount of noise he had caused knowing Hellmuth was listening intently in the darkness. Very gently I peeled my hand away from his quivering lips. "I promise I am not going to hurt you, but I need your help Raul."

"Who are you… why are…. Please just leave me alone…" the boy's tears had already started pooling against my hand which I had left resting near his face ready to catch another scream.

"my name is Melchior and I really need your help. My friend is in a whole lot of trouble and this is the only way I can help him. Do you know who Hanschen is?" the pillow ruffled as the boy nodded too afraid to speak. "He is very important to me and the only way I can save him from Hellmuth's gang is by becoming a part of it… but I have to go through initiation first." A low moan of anguish erupted from the boy and I knew then that the kinder were well accustomed to Hellmuth and his ways. "no no no… I promised I wouldn't hurt you… but you have to listen very carefully." another meager rustle from the pillow was the only response from the small boy.

"I am going to pinch your neck ok? It's going to hurt a little but I will only do it as hard as I have to. I am going to be moving a little but I will only be touching your neck." his tears had staunched and his hand went searching out into the dark and alighted on my face. Everything that had built up in me let loose and the tears came tumbling out. " I promise… I promise I won't hurt you and I promise I will never come here again… just this one night I really need your help… please…Raul…".

"Nobody has called me Raul since I got here… they all call me snitch…" I had learned his name from the nurse's records and this little fact surprised me. "somebody said I told on them and it stuck… could you… say it again…" it was a request made in disbelief as if he had forgotten he was given the name Raul.

"Raul … keep talking while I do this. Very quietly…" I pinched his neck hard enough to make him yelp and to leave a mark but no harder. I sat up and bounced on the edge of the bed rhythmically forcing a squeaking song from the old worn springs in the mattress. The squeaks were roaring between us, even pretending to violate the child next to me made me sick and I needed to hear that he was still alive and not destroyed on the inside. "Raul how did you get in here?" there was another painful heartbeat of silence and a few more firm pinches and quiet yelps.

"I am an orphan… a ward of the state… I was stealing food." His tensed body uncoiled and my gentle bounces slowed so I could hear him over the creaks. "I had a sister and the orphanage was not feeding us enough… there were too many of us for them to handle." The squeaking stopped and was replaced with the sound of my heart breaking for him. He was just a kid trying to take care of his sister and somehow that landed him in a place with killers and actual criminals.

"Where is your sister?"

"I don't know…"

"How old were you?"

"Ten."

"god damn it…" everything about the child's life had crumbled and been infected by society's flaws and here I was pinching at his neck and pretending to be doing him a favor by not actually having sex with him. The boy shrugged and felt for my hand. The hands were not too much smaller than mine. They were hands that itched to be a man in a free land but were rough from being blinded by all the squalor they were surrounded in. "I can help you get out of here.. it might take some time but I am getting you out and we are going to find your sister."

There I go again making grand valiant promises. I bit at my tongue hoping it would stem the trouble I was getting myself into. I had so many other concerns to battle with, Hanschen hating me and kissing me and not eating and Reinhold and Hellmuth and … pretty much my entire life. I don't have time to help him get out on top of all that. Before I could complain anymore two slim arms had wrapped themselves tightly around my neck and pressed tears into the shallow bowl behind my collar bone.

"If I could find Lisa… and just see her for a moment…"

I found myself caught in the web of someone else who needed me. This child who had only seen the horrendous side of life deserved to have some hope of escape and I was the one who could provide him with that salvation.

"I have to go back to bed Raul… but if you want we can talk again tomorrow. Remember what this was supposed to be or I can't help you get out…" he nodded quickly and released the hug as if hanging on any longer would ruin everything.

"You promised. Don't forget that… you promised." I reached out to touch his hand and found it waiting for me. Just another person waiting for me to get things right. I slipped away from the tangles of his bed and found myself ensnared in the twisted and knotted sheets of my bed and mind. Reinhold had not finished with Hanschen yet and I could hear him purring in his ear.

He couldn't like him. Reinhold is and will always be a heartless monster who abuses his power. He is hurting Hanschen. The edges of my mind burned and singed until it was nothing but blackened ash. Even if he did like him… which he doesn't… he is terrible for him. I would be better. If I wanted him like that. I had to take a deep breath. Everything was going too fast and I needed to regroup.

_I am not gay… I loved Wendla… and she was a girl. And even if I was I wouldn't love Hanschen. He is an egotistical fool who can't cope with his own emotions so he takes it out on others, especially me. The only reason he is showing any interest in me at all is because he is needy and looking for someone to have close to him… he probably won't even come near me now that Reinhold has him. _

I squashed the bile that rose in the pit of my stomach after that final thought. Let him have him. I slammed shut every memory of our childhood that had slipped out and tumbled like old toys onto the floor of my mind and fell asleep nailed down by every steely whisper Reinhold pumped into Hanschen's ear.

/~/

"you bastard! You sick disgusting bastard!" two hands yanked me out of bed continuing a rather annoying tradition of violent wake up calls. The floor stared back at me as a rough kick caught my chest and flipped me over. Blonde hair glared down at me and Hanschen's blue fire eyes cut holes in me. "Reinhold told me what initiation was! How could you do that?!"

I bit back the clichéd retort of 'I did it for you' even though it was entirely true. I pushed myself up into a sitting position and almost laughed. Now he cared what I did. "Would you relax? I can explain everything …"

"I. heard. You." Each word hit a pearly barrier as they slipped out from between his clenched teeth. "I heard you doing… it. I… I thought you were…" he turned away and balled his fists his eyes squeezing shut against the noises he was hearing in his head. I thought it was just his disgust with me but something else was tugging his brow into a sea of creases.

"You thought I was what Hanschen…" he kicked me again but only halfheartedly. The physical exertion of dragging me out of bed had left him winded and the fire in his eyes was dulling to a watery steel.

"That you were better than them. I thought you were better than them but I guess you are not…" god damn it… he knew how to cut even when I had done nothing wrong.

"Are you finished now? I didn't…" before I could finish explaining Reinhold slipped behind him. He smirked down at me knowingly and slipped a possessive arm around Hanschen's waist.

"You beat him up already? I wanted to get a few kicks in. he is the new guy in the gang after all." For a long moment Hanschen stared down at me and for a moment I thought I could grab onto him if I just looked back in the right way. Slowly the emotion in his eyes flickered out like a tired candle and he turned into Reinhold's arms.

"I am going to breakfast…" he shrugged away and started to walk away. Reinhold grabbed Hanschen by the back of his shirt jerking him into a sudden stop.

"Eat something this time ok?" he jammed his mouth onto his and then shoved him towards the door having gotten what he wanted. I couldn't pull my eyes away from Hanschen and the familiar rage came cantering up from deep inside me. Reinhold knelt down and grabbed my ear as hard as he can. "I hope you chasing after him is worth it… especially now that he hates you. He is all mine. And I actually thought you had a chance … he liked you… you had character or some crap like that. You messed up big time philosopher." A swift kick later and I was slumped across my bed my head spinning faster than I had thought possible. Deep down in my chest I knew i had to explain to Hanschen what had happen.

The room was starting to wake up and boys trundled out of bed. I watched with tired eyes as Hellmuth smirked at Raul who was moving slowly as if sore and stiff. I couldn't help but be a little bit proud of him as he rubbed at the seat of his pants putting on a real show for Hellmuth who was completely satisfied. A quiet half smile was hidden to Hellmuth but not to me as his blue eyes twinkled against the purple marks on his neck. I smiled back hoping I could match the new found hope he had.

I got changed and tried to dress myself in the confidence Raul felt. I had to get Hanschen back on my side and away from Reinhold or this entire fiasco was a waste of time. The doors kicked out in front of me and the grimy smells of the cafeteria nearly knocked me back. _Wonderful… eggs…_

Reinhold had corralled Hanschen into a corner and was supervising as Hanschen gagged down the rubbery slime. I bee lined for them not caring I had knocked into several people and broken my gift of invisibility I had cultured over the last few months. Reinhold only caught a glimpse of my back as I pulled Hanschen into the bathroom and locked ourselves in a stall.

"What the hell..." I cut him short slamming my hand as hard as I could against his mouth. This seemed to be the only way to get him to shut up long enough for me to get through to him.

"I didn't do it and even if I had done it I would have done it for you and you need to be a bit more grateful considering I am trying to help you and get you out of here because I may in fact be the only person who actually cares for you in this entire world so stop calling me a bastard and stop avoiding me!" every word steam rolled out of my mouth and landed between us with a resounding thud. I drew in another deep breath and made sure to ration the words so they didn't miss their mark. "You need to understand. You have to. We are both getting out of here because I can't lose another person I love. I lost Wendla and I lost Moritz and I am not going to lose you. So please believe me when I say I did not sleep with Raul. I have not slept with anyone since Wendla."

I felt his bottom lip quiver just below my hand and his shoulders rattled against the cold cinderblock walls. His eyes fumbled across my features and I tried to hold them with my gaze but they would not still. So much fear and anger and hurt were still bottled up in his eyes and I needed to release it. I needed to reach him. I pulled my hand away from his lips and kissed him as hard as I could. If my lips couldn't reach him with words I needed to try to reach him with contact.

He stiffened and for a second I thought he was going to hit me. The fist came and hit my shoulder but his fingers soon dug into my shirt pulling me closer. He broke the kiss only to press his lips against my neck biting from time to time. I tried to correct my thoughts in the right direction but he felt surprisingly good as he pressed down harder and harder.

"Hanschen… god… do you… forgive me?" His lips wear too busy working my neck to reply as they slipped down onto my collar bone. I needed him to answer. I needed to hear that he forgave me and that I wasn't going to lose another person. I slipped my hand around his chin and pulled him away. I stared into his eyes and leveled my breathing to a slow pant. "Answer me."

Instead of waiting for a reply I pressed my lips against his neck trying to loosen his lips and turn on the flow of words. His fists tangled in my hair and yanked but I wouldn't pull away. Not until he said it.

"I… I forgive you… just … help me get out of here." I was just a way to get out… but that didn't matter… he forgave me and I could save him. I pressed him back harder into the wall and I hoped we could break right through and escape then and there. But the wall pressed back and the pounding in my head and chest was soon mirrored by a pounding on the door.

"Get the hell out of there! Get out or I will call the warden! Don't you touch him! Don't you dare touch him!" Reinhold was now throwing his body against the door causing the entire world to shake. The rusty bolts complained and if I didn't let Hanschen go soon everything would come down crashing on top of us.

"Go back to him. Tell him you pushed me away. Tell him you still think I am a sick disgusting bastard." I tried to smile through the fear gnawing at my heart and he laughed mimicking the fear I showed in sound. He ducked out from under the stall door. I could hear his voice echo against the now crooked door.

"Oh god thank goodness you came… I was so scared… he is insane." Reinhold laughed and kicked the stall door and I smiled back invisibly challenging his supposed triumph.

"Of course he is. He is just a dog. A worthless dog." They both laughed and walked out the door leaving me to try and draw the world into my lungs just to give insulation to my pounding heart. I felt so good. I felt alive which I haven't felt since I was told what happened to Moritz… I felt I had regained something I had lost along with him. As the room fall back to sleep and harbored me from the hum of the cafeteria the reality of what I had said settled in.

_I had said I loved him… not directly but … I had said I loved Moritz… and Wendla and… and him. I… had loved Moritz…_ everything made so much sense. I had loved Moritz and when I felt him slipping from me, when I realized I couldn't help him, I ran to Wendla. I loved her too but it felt like I had something to prove. I had to prove that I could love someone enough to make them stay and I failed. But Hanschen was too much. I couldn't love him and I wouldn't. I would keep him close enough to save him. I needed to save him and I would fix everything I had ever done wrong with Wendla and Moritz. Once we were both out everything could be right again.

Another timid knock interrupted my epiphany and I pressed my back against the wall getting for Reinhold's vengeful return.

"Melchior… is that you? I think they believed me! I tried really hard to make them believe me and I think it worked. Can we go tonight?" his voice was so eager and for the first time he actually sounded like the twelve year old boy he was. He pulled a gentle laugh from somewhere in me that I had not known existed.

"Soon Raul… soon. I promised remember? But I have some stuff I have to do with my friend first. In the mean time you have to act afraid of me remember?" I opened the door and found him beaming up at me. He reminded me of a better day when life was not so complicated. I pulled him into a quick hug and then grabbed him by the shirt collar dragging him through the door into the cafeteria just to be safe.

We ran straight into Hellmuth who was undoubtedly looking for me. I quickly shoved raul down to the floor and smirked as he looked up at me a glint of understanding in his eyes.

"Damn Philosopher … nobody has ever gone back for seconds. You are certainly twisted enough to be a part of my little organization. Now come on and take your place at our table." I flinched as he tossed a casual arm around my shoulder expecting the usual blow and not cordial motions. He escorted me all the way back to the table as the other boys avoided eye contact. Word must have gotten around at how "twisted" I was. The only pair of eyes that met mine were Reinhold's blackish orbs. He smirked and twirled a lock of Hanschen's hair between his fingertips.

Not even the noxious display could shake the accomplished feeling burning in my veins. For once everything was going one hundred percent according to plan. Nothing and nobody, especially not some rat faced abusive slug, was going to get in my way. Whether or not he knew it Hanschen raul and I were getting out of here. We are going to get out and build a new life and forget about all the long blue shadows haunting our lives. This was our chance. Even if I didn't love him if I had him by my side I could make everything right again.

Tadah a sort of happy ending for once! I am thinking of doing the next chapter from reinhold's perspective so we will see how that goes. Reviews are very lovely to get and get me writing sooner! Peace and love to all


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